Don’t wait for social media to teach your kids about health. Empower them as early as now to grow up confident about their body, food, and self-worth. 

Download this guide to get started: https://www.carrielupoli.com/kids 

Did you know that 80% of ten-year-old girls have already been on a diet, or that 80% of American girls are unhappy with their bodies by age 17? Add in the hours spent on social media, and it’s no wonder our girls are drowning in lies about beauty, worth, and perfection.

In today’s episode, I expose three of the biggest lies shaping our girls’ self-worth and identity. I share the moments when I believed my value was tied to the scale, and the time I realized my girls needed to experience challenges in order to build strength.  

These aren’t easy truths, but we need to face them if we want our daughters to grow up confident and resilient. You can’t teach what you don’t believe. It’s time to replace the old lies with new truths because you’re not just raising a daughter—you’re shaping a legacy. 

Conclusion:

Every day, our daughters are watching how we speak, how we struggle, and how we show up for ourselves. The way we model self-acceptance, resilience, and grace becomes the foundation they build on. 

Change doesn’t happen overnight, but with every intentional choice, we can rewrite the story for the next generation.

In This Episode:

00:00 Introduction and facing Lie #1: Your body is a project

06:47 Food freedom and how to counteract the diet culture

11:50 Lie #2: The comfort lie - protecting girls from productive struggle

16:11 Moving to Mexico to teach my girls to do hard things

19:46 Lie #3: Perfectionism is about fear, not standards

24:31 How to unlearn the three lies: awareness & language swaps

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Looking for additional tips for a sustainable, healthy lifestyle? Check out these episodes: 

• Are You Teaching Your Daughter to Hate Her Body?
• The Daughter Connection: How to Talk to Teens

Transcript: 

[00:00:00] Carrie Lupoli: 80% of 10-year-old girls have already been on a diet. 42% of first to third grade girls wanna be thinner, and by age 13, 53% of American girls are unhappy with their bodies. And then this grows to 80% by age 17 teens. Who spend more than three hours a day, just three hours a day on social media, are more likely to internalize harmful beauty standards.

[00:00:25] Carrie Lupoli: So the rules, oh, they're loud and clear. Be thinner, look perfect, and don't let 'em see a sweat from the clean girl aesthetic to what I eat in a day. Video the culture. Our daughters are growing up and is obsessed with body image, with achievement, with perfection. But we are never going to be able to raise confident whole women if we keep letting those rules run the show.

[00:00:50] Carrie Lupoli: This is Mirror in the Model A four-part podcast series for moms who want to raise their daughters differently without passing on, [00:01:00] oh, that body shame, that burnout, and the belief systems that you've been stuck in yourself. Yeah, we wanna do it differently. I'm Kerry Napoleon. Today we are breaking down the three biggest lies, shaping our daughter's self-worth.

[00:01:13] Carrie Lupoli: Let's get started. I'm Kerry Napoli nutritionist, award-winning behavior specialist and unapologetic disruptor of diet culture. If you've spent decades dieting and still don't have the results you want, it's not your fault. You've just never been shown how to fuel your body with love and science. This podcast is where all that changes and we rewrite the rules where food becomes simple.

[00:01:39] Carrie Lupoli: Freedom is possible and real lasting results. Finally begin. Let's dive in. Okay, so we have been taught three lies for sure. Our daughters are living them right now, and the first one is all about diet culture. Moms, we know this one all too well. I mean, let's think about what the [00:02:00] culture of dieting actually has told our daughters has told ourselves.

[00:02:05] Carrie Lupoli: Our bodies are projects. I remember hearing beauty hurts and they're a project to be fixed. Hunger is a problem. We have to push through. We shouldn't listen to our bodies. We should actually ignore the signs and oh, the best one, our weight determines our worth. I remember being in college and I could not eat the pizza after my senior year of being an athlete.

[00:02:34] Carrie Lupoli: I remember going to my college job and they all ordered pizza and I wasn't. Identifying as an athlete anymore because I was done with my season and I just knew if I ate the pizza, I would get fat. And if I was fat, I had no worth. Literally, I remember that we were raised like that. I, I remember hearing women praise each other for eating less, for looking [00:03:00] skinny.

[00:03:01] Carrie Lupoli: I, I used to step on the scale every single day as a mom. Because I knew that that number mattered because I was taught that I, I would say things like, oh, I'm so, I was, I was so bad this weekend. Oh my gosh, I totally ate so much. I shouldn't have eaten that much. I can't even fit into my pants. And, and now like, I can't unsee what I'm seeing in our culture today because, I mean, we had it, I didn't realize what I was doing at the time, but now.

[00:03:33] Carrie Lupoli: I see things in a new lab. I did a whole podcast on this around these kind of like trends that we see and like clean eating. That clean grill aesthetic. What I eat in a day, gut health hacks that are really just restriction with better branding. It's that Instagram aesthetic. Our daughters don't even see it as disordered.

[00:03:54] Carrie Lupoli: They see it as normal. I mean, my girls will say, oh, that's such an Instagram [00:04:00] aesthetic. And it is literally not the diet culture we knew, because let's be honest, the diet culture we knew was when Tinkerbell and Peter and Peter Pan actually looked at herself in the mirror and Tinkerbell didn't talk. So she had to communicate through her actions.

[00:04:20] Carrie Lupoli: She bent over, saw her little tush in the mirror, and was disgusted by her butt because it was too big. Diet culture that we grew up with was Special K, right? You if you could pinch an inch, that was bad there. I remember an ad of a bikini and it was a special K commercial and it was all around, if you wanna wear this bikini, you're gonna have to look a certain way.

[00:04:49] Carrie Lupoli: Okay. So I think advertising has come a little bit further. It's not so in your face, but now we've just, it's literally the same wolf in different Jeeps clothing. [00:05:00] We're making it look pretty, but it's the same darn thing because we haven't actually ended the whole concept of less is more skinny is better.

[00:05:13] Carrie Lupoli: In, in order for us to actually have worth, we have to shrink. Look cute. Don't get me started about Brandy Melville. The fact that there's a line out the door and there is literally one size. One size, and if you don't fit into that size, you can't shop there. And they're unapologetic about it. And I've always said like I'm all about people who are unapologetic, even if I don't agree with it, that.

[00:05:36] Carrie Lupoli: Absolutely ruffles every single feather that I have because it is wrong. It's not unapologetic, it's just plain wrong because you are telling certain girls that you are not enough. And it is what we hear over and over again. And so as I am digging into this four-part series. Last week, I really dug into the first [00:06:00] episode around us looking at ourselves.

[00:06:02] Carrie Lupoli: And I'm gonna continue to do that because we can't teach what we don't know. We can't transfer what we don't have. And if we have diet culture living within our veins, like pouring through our blood, right? Then we're not gonna be able to teach our kids anything else. But the thing is, they're also hearing these messages from so many other places.

[00:06:20] Carrie Lupoli: Now, one thing that I have said over and over again is that. At least with social media, it's a two-way outlet. Like, look at me. I get to be a dissenting voice. There's other people like me that are able to say, okay, that stuff isn't okay. When we were younger, we had a magazine, we had commercials, we had the radio, and there was no dissenting voice.

[00:06:40] Carrie Lupoli: There was nobody telling us that that was not okay. So we do have that going for us, but the loudest voice wins. The loudest voice wins, and even three hours on social media is louder than the voice that you have. Let, let's be honest, I've been a mom for 20 years. Like I don't get three [00:07:00] hours of voice time with my kids.

[00:07:02] Carrie Lupoli: The social media does, and because it's packaged, so Instagram aesthetically, so Brandy Melville. It doesn't scream diet culture, and we as moms need to recognize it, but we also recognize we need to recognize what we're falling into because like I said last week, if we want our kids to have what I call food freedom.

[00:07:25] Carrie Lupoli: Right Where they understand food, that they respect food, but love food, know that it serves their body, know that it serves their soul. That their why is not because, uh, they have to look a certain way, right? But that, that the food is fuel and you wanna, you want them to have that, but if you don't have it, there's no way you can teach 'em that.

[00:07:44] Carrie Lupoli: So if you're counting calories, if you're tracking your macros, you're doing that. No, I know, I know. I know that there's so many women out there and like, what else is there? If I'm not counting my calories, if I'm not tracking my macros and I'm in the middle of menopause, like [00:08:00] just gaining weight and feeling awful isn't an option and I totally agree.

[00:08:04] Carrie Lupoli: The problem is the diet industry has this completely bamboozled, like those are the things that we're supposed to be doing. That's why I love doing this podcast. I love, uh, being on Instagram every single morning because I can start to unravel this tangled web that the diet industry, the diet culture has pulled us into believing, making us believe that all we can do is cow calories and cal or track our macros.

[00:08:27] Carrie Lupoli: Like those are the two things. Um, oh yeah. Unless they're a little intermittent fasting in there too, shall we? And. We don't realize that there's other o, there's another way, right? Like balancing our blood sugar by simply understanding food. PFC three protein, fat and carb every three hours. Like I know that doesn't sound like, I don't know something.

[00:08:49] Carrie Lupoli: It's just so simple. Like you don't need to, you just need to kind of understand how to be ready to eat and then satisfied, ready to eat, satisfied, be a refuel as you go machine. Understand how food [00:09:00] makes you feel like. It actually becomes very intuitive, like a 6-year-old can do it. But a, we're not taught that I don't have a 400 billion person following to be able to make that claim to as many people as possible in terms of how the diet industry has as completely bamboozled.

[00:09:21] Carrie Lupoli: So you realize and you, so you don't think that there's another way, you just think you're doing what you're supposed to be doing, but I promise you. You don't have food freedom and you can't give that, give that to your kids if you don't, if you're still body checking in the mirror, you can't teach body love.

[00:09:37] Carrie Lupoli: And so if you're body checking in the mirror, they're seeing you do that. And now they've seen like their friends are doing it. They're talking about like, it's, it's a never ending communication that we gotta look a certain way in order to love ourselves, in order to be enough, in order to be worthy. We want our kids to be balanced, right.

[00:09:56] Carrie Lupoli: We are 100% constantly swinging [00:10:00] between obsession and burnout, hating our bodies so much that we get frustrated enough that we go on this deprivation diet and we're trying to be good. Our kids see it all, and then they see all the other stuff that's out there, all the other stuff that's being told to them.

[00:10:16] Carrie Lupoli: Diet culture is rampant and we first need to be aware of it, and we have to go first with how we. Present it. We gotta be the loudest voice. So first we gotta stop moralizing food. No more good versus bad language. No more food serves our body. Food serves our soul, and we have to serve our body more than we serve our soul so that we can be the healthiest version of ourselves, so that we can serve our purpose and live a strong, healthy life as long as possible.

[00:10:45] Carrie Lupoli: Just that messenger alone counteracts diet culture. Our value is not in a number. It is not in what we look like. It is not an Instagram aesthetic. If you believe it is, you're never gonna teach them not to. We have to talk about how food fuels us, how hunger is a [00:11:00] cue, not a crisis. We have to stop commenting on weight.

[00:11:03] Carrie Lupoli: And I know so many of us actually know enough not to comment on weight, but we think about it all the time. And then our daughters don't know how to come to us with questions because if we just avoid it altogether, then they just know that it's a bad topic and then they won't talk about it. But. If we are obsessed with weight as a measure of health progress and worth, then they're gonna get that too.

[00:11:29] Carrie Lupoli: There's got to be a balance in this. So in this first kind of, I don't know, section of, of what I wanna talk about today, this first realization that diet culture has been running rampant in our lives since we were born and it is running rampant in theirs, even if it doesn't look the same. So the reflective question, I'm gonna have a question for you after each little section of today.

[00:11:54] Carrie Lupoli: What subtle messages are you sending about food, weight, or your body, even [00:12:00] if you think you're being healthy, this is gonna take a high level of self-awareness and honesty. Honesty. You gotta be honest with yourself. How. Might, your messages that you are inadvertently and subconsciously sending, shaping how your daughter feels about herself.

[00:12:19] Carrie Lupoli: First lie, right? Diet, culture, second lie, this one is like huge. I used to talk about this all the time when I was a national educational consultant, when I was an educator, behavior specialist. It's the concept of comfort and productive struggle. It's a lie that somehow we feel that. I know we wanna give our kids a better life than what we had growing up, and we have this, this truthiness, I will say, which is not really true, that it means our kids shouldn't struggle and our kids should be comfortable.

[00:12:58] Carrie Lupoli: Now, this is like [00:13:00] a tricky one to plan out for you today because I don't want you to think that like the struggle. Diet culture is just something that like we should all, it's like what? What my daughter calls a cannon event. What we should all just go through? No, but we all do need to raise confident daughters and I, I think something that is quietly robbing our daughters of our, of their confidence is comfort.

[00:13:25] Carrie Lupoli: We live in a culture that prioritizes comfort over everything else, like avoid the struggle. Don't take risks. Don't try unless you are sure you are good to succeed. Because think about it, girls are growing up believing that a struggle means something that's wrong. There's a camera on them all the time.

[00:13:46] Carrie Lupoli: Nobody looks like they're struggling on social media. Everything looks easy and simple and fast, and the truth is. Never does [00:14:00] success come before work, except in the dictionary. And as parents we often try to reinforce it. We, we often wanna protect our kids. I just watched a show last night, I was home alone and I was kind of trying to find something on Netflix and it was actually like a Danish show that was in English and.

[00:14:17] Carrie Lupoli: There was a mom. They were a very wealthy family, and there was this mom whose kid was, uh, absolutely, totally fully inappropriate on the text stream, and they had a parent meaning, and the mom just, uh, completely enabled and defended and protected her son so that he didn't get in trouble. But this kid needed to get in trouble.

[00:14:41] Carrie Lupoli: He needed the consequence for it. I think we protect our kids. I think we, uh, hold them back from doing hard things. I remember I tell the joke that we built, we, we dug our own pool. My parents didn't have any money. We dug our own pool and that's how we had a pool when I was a kid, and that my kids [00:15:00] never had to dig their own day pool.

[00:15:01] Carrie Lupoli: And I remember thinking, my kids don't do anything hard. They're way too comfortable. We wanna protect our kids. I get it. We wanna step in, we wanna make things better. We wanna shield them from pain and discomfort and failure and embarrassment. But one day my daughter came to me and she, my oldest one, the one I'm gonna be interviewing her next week on the podcast, and she said, mom, she's a musician and an artist and a singer.

[00:15:25] Carrie Lupoli: And she said, I, I, she wanted to be a songwriter. And I remember when she was like 12 years old, she said to me, mom, I feel like I can't write any songs because nothing bad's ever happened to me. And I was like, who? That's so interesting. And since then she has written a lot of songs and one of the reasons why she wrote a song is because I said to her, okay, we gotta get on the struggle bus a little bit.

[00:15:48] Carrie Lupoli: And I think some of the reason why so many kids have so much stress today, so much anxiety, the high, high levels of depression is because even a little bit of comfort is completely [00:16:00] foreign to them Now. Again, when I talk about diet, culture and the uncomfortableness of that, there's two different kinds of struggles.

[00:16:08] Carrie Lupoli: There's one that's productive and one that's toxic. Toxic struggle doesn't do anybody any favors. Toxic struggle causes trauma. Toxic struggle causes true and utter long-term issues, but productive struggle that is good, that is necessary, that is a pre prerequisite to confidence and to strength. I ask you, how many of you are letting your girls actually productively struggle through things, or do we sweep in to help that?

[00:16:41] Carrie Lupoli: When my girls were in seventh and eighth grade, I made the decision. And, and it's funny because I say I made the decision, but my husband was absolutely 100% part of it. But I had the seed planted in my heart and in my head, and it was not, not too far after Grace said to me, I can't write any songs because nothing bad has ever happened to me.

[00:16:59] Carrie Lupoli: And I [00:17:00] said, I need our girls to do hard things to learn how to do hard things. And um, Glennon Doyle has that podcast. Uh, we can do hard things right. But how do we learn how to do hard things if we don't have hard things to learn how to do? So I picked up my girls and I moved to Mexico for a year. It was the craziest thing.

[00:17:21] Carrie Lupoli: Somebody once said to me, oh, that must be nice that you could prioritize, that you could do that in your life. And I'm like, listen, that wasn't nice. That was disruptive. I, I had a job that I could kind of work from anywhere as long as I was willing to travel and I had to be willing to travel from Mexico.

[00:17:40] Carrie Lupoli: I had friends that lived in Mexico and they were willing to watch the girls while I was traveling. Uh, I had to prioritize. I had to find an apartment. Uh, I had to get them in school, but I knew that this was gonna be hard. And it was, but it was good. We had a big [00:18:00] why. I, I like, we really sat down, sorry, they did not wanna do this.

[00:18:03] Carrie Lupoli: And this is such a good example of doing something that you don't wanna do and doing it anyway. And it was the hardest thing. We said the days went by slow, but the year went by fast. We had a big why. The, the girls knew like learning Spanish would open up so many doors for them and that was true, but also I just knew they needed to do hard things.

[00:18:23] Carrie Lupoli: So I'm not suggesting you go pick up your kids and you go move to Mexico, but I am telling you that they can do hard things and I'm proof of that. My girls now speak Spanish, but even more than that. They have had so many hard things show up in their lives since then and they know they can do it, and so confident.

[00:18:43] Carrie Lupoli: Part of a big reason why I know my girls are confident is because I have allowed them to have the productive struggle, that there's enough content now where Grace has written dozens of songs, not toxic struggle, but productive struggle. [00:19:00] So let them figure things out, let them fail and try again. Let them wrestle with something meaningful.

[00:19:08] Carrie Lupoli: Let them have to earn things, not be given them. We build strong girls by removing every obstacle. No, it's not possible. We cannot build strong girls if they don't have obstacles to climb. We build strong girls by. Not removing every obstacle. So as much as us as parents want to quote unquote give our girls our kids a better life than we had, it does not mean that we take away all the struggle.

[00:19:43] Carrie Lupoli: We cannot build strong girls unless they have things that make them strong. We cannot build muscles unless we lift heavy weights. So here's a question for you as we wrap up. Lie number two, that lie and the belief that [00:20:00] we should be comfortable and that we shouldn't struggle. Are you rescuing your daughter from the very struggle that could be shaping her strength?

[00:20:08] Carrie Lupoli: Because it isn't our job to prevent all the pain, is to walk with them through it and show them how to rise. Okay. And then the third lie, and this one's a big one, and we all feel it. The perfectionism lie. It's sneaky. It's, it's sneaky. It can sound like, I just wanna do my best. I, I don't wanna mess it up.

[00:20:33] Carrie Lupoli: I'm just trying to be healthy. But perfectionism isn't about standards, and this is where we get it so wrong. High expectations, high standards for ourselves, high integrity. That's different than what perfectionism is about. Perfectionism is about fear. A fear of failure, a fear of not being enough, a fear of being [00:21:00] judged.

[00:21:01] Carrie Lupoli: Our daughters are growing up in a digital world where every mistake is now recorded. It is broadcasted it. It isn't just happening like in the classroom or when they're with their friends, like on, like on a quote unquote play date. It's on their phones twenty four seven. I remember my daughter, she did a thing on a video that was not nice.

[00:21:26] Carrie Lupoli: Um, kind of shamed another kid and it went viral. This was years ago, just before we ended up moving to Mexico, and it was a very defining, disruptive event in her life, and it took her a long time to recover from that because you cannot make mistakes today because it could go viral. But we have to counteract that lie because who is perfect who?

[00:21:58] Carrie Lupoli: And confidence doesn't [00:22:00] come from being perfect. In fact, if you're chasing perfection, you have zero confidence because you're not confident enough to be you. And we know that you, me, all of us are not perfect. Confidence comes from knowing who you are, even when you're not. I can't wait to talk to Grace next week, my daughter, who I'm interviewing on episode three because she's so confident now that she has gone through the fire to get there.

[00:22:28] Carrie Lupoli: And her confidence is not about what her number on a scale is. It's not. It's about who she is. We have to model messy ladies, moms. We have to let them see us fail. We have to keep going and narrate it out loud as we do it. Not out of frustration, but as a teachable moment. We apologize when we're wrong. We have to praise effort, curiosity, grit, character integrity.

[00:22:58] Carrie Lupoli: As the most important [00:23:00] qualities. There's an amazing book called How Children Succeed by Paul Tuff. I was so obsessed with this book and I knew he was going to a conference, so I signed up for that conference and I literally stalked him on social media and I kept saying to my colleagues, oh, he knows me.

[00:23:14] Carrie Lupoli: Knows me. And then he actually saw somebody from the group I was with and he is like, oh, do you know Kerry Loli? And I was like, yes. He knows me. How children Succeed. One of the best books you could ever read about how to raise kids that are successful. Curiosity, grit, the huge pieces of that puzzle. And one of the, the best things I I, I've ever said to my girls, this is one of the things I say all the time.

[00:23:41] Carrie Lupoli: Done is better than perfect. We have to have high standards for ourselves. It sounds like a dichotomy. It sounds like it's not like the two don't equal one. Yes, we can have high standard for ourselves and we don't have to be perfect, and we certainly don't have to be perfect to be proud of ourselves.

[00:23:58] Carrie Lupoli: Resilience is a [00:24:00] word that we use a lot in our home. Self-worth. Self-worth continues to grow. The more we, we fall and still get up. I think about, I think about my daughter's name, grace, and why I named her that. Grace is about in so many ways, getting what we don't deserve and when we can show grace for our daughters, for ourselves, we throw out perfectionism and again, the loudest voice wins.

[00:24:41] Carrie Lupoli: If you are actively thinking about this one, then you are actively saying perfectionism matters, because that's what she's hearing everywhere else. So are you modeling grace for yourself or are you modeling perfectionism? [00:25:00] And so how do we start unlearning these lies, especially these three lies that we've been talking about, diet, culture, being comfortable, and perfectionism.

[00:25:11] Carrie Lupoli: Where do we go from here? It starts with awareness, not shame, not guilt. All I want you to do is to start to become aware. Ask yourself, ask yourself a few of these questions here. Okay? You ready? One. What messages are you still carrying from childhood about food, about struggle, about performance? I know that my husband really struggles with letting the girls struggle because he struggled and he doesn't want that for them.

[00:25:45] Carrie Lupoli: But what he doesn't realize is that his struggle made him as successful as he is today. It gave him the work ethic, the personality, the ability to be able to see people in a, in a way that most [00:26:00] can't because of the struggle. We gotta allow that for our kids. Okay. What are you modeling when you talk about your day, your body, your to-do list?

[00:26:10] Carrie Lupoli: All of these things all contribute to the confidence that our girls are struggling to achieve. And what do you want your daughter to believe? I think this is such an amazing activity to journal. Ask yourself, what do you want your daughter to believe about herself, about her life, about her potential, about her worth?

[00:26:33] Carrie Lupoli: Put that all down. Then I want you to ask yourself, do you believe those things yourself? Because I've said this before, you can't teach what you don't believe. You can't transfer what you don't have. So if you're still working on a good, because I am too, this is always going to be a journey of self-discovery that never ends, but I want her to see you working on it [00:27:00] regardless of how old she is.

[00:27:01] Carrie Lupoli: That's modeling, that's going to matter. So we can start replacing little things. Like I was so bad this weekend with, I really enjoyed myself. I'm excited to feel my body today. I have so much to do with, I'm prioritizing what, with what matters most right now. Instead of, oh, this fricking sucks. I'm so sick of this.

[00:27:26] Carrie Lupoli: We say, I know this is hard, but it's making me stronger instead of, ugh. I need to lose weight. I gotta fit in my pants. Can you say things like, I'm learning how to care for my body in a way that respects it. Little things that we can start to tweak. It's not about perfection, it's not about perfect language.

[00:27:50] Carrie Lupoli: It's about intentional alignment. Because when we unlearn the lies, then they won't carry themselves forward. They, because they, [00:28:00] they won't exist anymore. So today, today we broke down three of the biggest lies, shaping our daughter's sense of self, right? Diet, culture, comfort and productive struggle. And then perfectionism and, and those messages out there for our girls are loud, but our examples can absolutely be louder.

[00:28:21] Carrie Lupoli: So what is a belief that you are ready to unlearn yourself so your daughter doesn't have to carry it forward with her? That's what I wanna ask you, because you're not just raising a daughter. You're literally shaping a legacy. So in our next episode, you're gonna hear from a legacy that I've shaped one of my daughters, grace.

[00:28:43] Carrie Lupoli: We're gonna sit down for a raw, honest conversation about what she saw in me, what she believed, what she believes now, her confidence, where it comes from, how she functions as a 20-year-old in this society that keeps throwing these lies at [00:29:00] them. Trust me, you're not gonna wanna miss it. If this episode hit home, I'd love for you to share it with another mom who needs it.

[00:29:06] Carrie Lupoli: And if you haven't already, make sure you subscribe, that you hit follow, that you stay connected so you don't miss what's next. And remember, you don't have to be perfect. You don't have to get it perfect. You just have to be willing to go first and intentionally. Let's do it together.