Have you ever wondered why you react the way you do, even when you know better? In this episode, I sit down with JJ Flizanes, an empowerment strategist, to discuss the emotional patterns that keep us stuck in cycles of negative behavior. 

We explore how emotional wounds, often formed in childhood, shape our subconscious beliefs and reactions in adulthood. JJ shares an insightful exercise to help you identify these core wounds and rewire your subconscious mind to create healthier patterns.

She also shares a 3-step process for identifying unmet needs to help you stop emotional spirals. If you're repeating the same cycles in relationships or constantly abandoning yourself, this conversation will provide some of the clarity and tools you need to change.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Conclusion:

Emotional healing is a journey, but with the right tools and awareness, you can break free from old patterns that no longer serve you. The journey starts by understanding and addressing your core wounds and then rewiring the negative subconscious beliefs that hold you back.

 

In This Episode:

05:29 Addressing the root causes of health issues

08:31 How JJ discovered Imago therapy for couples

14:12 What is a core wound?

18:38 How to recognize core wounds

25:55 How to use the Core Wound Map

32:45 The core wound circuit and how to break it

35:43 Breaking patterns of abandoning yourself

40:41 JJ’s "feelings and needs" tool

48:48 Where to get JJ’s book and follow her

 

Mentioned in the Episode

JJ’s Podcasts: https://jjflizanes.com/podcasts/ 

Feelings and Needs List: https://jj-flizanes.mykajabi.com/feelings-needs-list 

JJ’s Books: https://jjflizanes.com/books/ 

Roadmap to Emotional Healing Course: https://jj-flizanes.mykajabi.com/roadmap-to-emotional-healing-evergreen

Roadmap to Emotional Healing Podcast Episode: https://jjflizanes.com/road-to-emotional-healing/

  

Join the waiting list for Carrie’s upcoming book, From Corset to Crown!

Sign up here: https://www.carrielupoli.com/corsettocrown  

 

Listen to This Episode on Your Favorite Podcast Channel:

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Connect with JJ Flizanes:
Website 

Instagram

 

Connect with Carrie Lupoli:

Website

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Podcast Blog

Other Related Episodes: 

Looking for more tips to optimize your health? Listen to these episodes:

• The Dark Side of Keto: What’s Really Happening to Your Body?
• The Truth About Calorie Counting and Why It Doesn’t Work for Women

  

Transcript: 

[00:00:00] JJ Flizanes: In our conscious brain, our 12% of our conscious brain, when we go to therapy, we're talking about things that we're aware of and we're not ever like. The problem having today is not about the problem I'm having today. The problem having today is been manifested because of the belief I have about myself in the world.

[00:00:14] JJ Flizanes: It's about who I think I am and how I interpret the world. These beliefs become our secret way in which we treat ourselves our entire lives. Healing is when you are different in the same exact situation. 

[00:00:24] Carrie Lupoli: Have you ever been like triggered by something someone says, well, this episode is gonna completely shift the way you see your emotions, because what if your triggers aren't actually about other people, but about how something deeper is happening inside of you?

[00:00:38] Carrie Lupoli: Today I am sitting down with a woman named JJ Zaes, and we are diving into the real reason we get stuck in emotional patterns, why we react the way we do and why change can feel so hard. How so many of us are unknowingly repeating the same cycles over and over again. We talk about something called core wounds, [00:01:00] subconscious beliefs, and the powerful patterns that drive everything from our relationships to our habits with food, exercise, and self-care.

[00:01:05] Carrie Lupoli: And. This is so awesome because she shares a simple but literally life changing tool. It is a three step process you can use in real time to stop spiraling and understand what's actually going on beneath the surface and respond to any trigger in a completely different way. So if you have ever felt stuck, reactive, or like you know better, but still can't seem to change your behavior.

[00:01:29] Carrie Lupoli: This conversation is totally gonna hit home. Let's get into it.

[00:01:37] Carrie Lupoli: Well, hey there, diet disruptors. I am thrilled. I'm so excited about this guest that we have on because I joke that she's like, uh, a sister from another mister. Like we say, so many of the same things, and I think sometimes when you can hear another person. Give another perspective on the same type of concept, it just explodes in [00:02:00] your brain.

[00:02:00] Carrie Lupoli: And so we have JJ Zaes who is here with us, she's an empowerment strategist and you might be wondering like, what is an empowerment strategist? So jj, welcome to the show and tell us what that actually means. 

[00:02:13] JJ Flizanes: Sure. Hey Carrie. Um, 

[00:02:15] Carrie Lupoli: hi. 

[00:02:15] JJ Flizanes: Nice to see you again. Uh, 

[00:02:17] Carrie Lupoli: so good to see you. 

[00:02:19] JJ Flizanes: Uh, so an empowerment strategist was a brand that I created because I'm gonna take the two separate words.

[00:02:26] JJ Flizanes: Uh, empowerment and then strategist. And I, I did this again many years ago because as a personal trainer, as a coach, uh, I was trying to find sort of what do I do and how do I do it, and how do I explain that? So when it comes to being empowered, we all understand. I think that empowered means you feel.

[00:02:45] JJ Flizanes: Free. You feel like you, there isn't any limit. You're not a victim to something. Uh, and empowerment. Sort of what I, where I lead people to in all aspects of life. So whether it be diet and exercise and their self-care in their relationship with their body, but also in [00:03:00] life, in their relationships, in the way they look at the world and the way they see themselves.

[00:03:03] JJ Flizanes: Because often we have stories that tell us that we're not free or that we can't have something that we want, or that we're not supposed to, or not allowed to, or not capable of having something else that we want and internally that makes us feel victimized. It makes us feel powerless, and it's not the truth.

[00:03:19] JJ Flizanes: So two. Look at the truth of being empowered. You can really be empowered in ways in, in your life. And so that was the first part. And also empowered being a feeling it's a right brain. It's a, it's a right brain concept. Most people lead with what they want and how it makes them feel. We choose things based on how we want to feel all the time.

[00:03:40] JJ Flizanes: Yeah. And so the, the right brain needs to be involved in terms of our choices, but at the same time, the left brain to have a balanced brain needs a strategy. I mean, you, you just, you need a strategy to get to where you want to go if you've never been there before, no matter what it is you're doing in your relationship with your healthcare, with your wellness, with your healing, with your emotional healing.

[00:03:58] JJ Flizanes: So we do need the [00:04:00] strategy, and that's very left-brained. We need the masculine and the feminine. We need the right and the left. And so that's why empowerment strategists came together. 

[00:04:07] Carrie Lupoli: I love that so much. But you know what, it's so crazy because as you're talking, you're, you're bringing out all the layers of health, really true, deep health, balanced health.

[00:04:18] Carrie Lupoli: And it's so interesting 'cause when you and I first met at a, we met at an event actually and started talking. It was like, I would say something and you're like, yes. And then you would say something and I was like, yes. And it's so incredible because while we're both. Like in the health and wellness industry, it's shocking to me that all these layers that really are required to be able to explore are completely missed by 99% of the health and wellness, either influencers or coaches or practitioners out there as if the.

[00:04:54] Carrie Lupoli: What you're talking about, especially on that empowerment side, the mindset stuff. The belief system stuff [00:05:00] is a separate thing from the body and getting what, you know, diet culture I guess says getting healthy, but in all reality, getting healthy has to be from every single aspect of our body, of our mind, and of our belief systems.

[00:05:17] Carrie Lupoli: And so you and I just really are so aligned in all of that. It's just crazy to me that that's. Not how most people approach it when they're working with clients. Isn't that crazy? 

[00:05:29] JJ Flizanes: Well, let's look at our Western medical system. We're not looking at root cause. We're looking at symptoms. We treat symptoms we don't treat root cause.

[00:05:35] JJ Flizanes: And that's been my goal this whole, my whole life at this point. Right. In terms of like, as a trainer, it's, it's sort of led me to, when I understood the signs of the body and how to change the body, how to create your metabolism, how to build muscle, how to release fat, how to build, how to protect your joints.

[00:05:51] JJ Flizanes: So important. Like I, I stopped, 

[00:05:52] Carrie Lupoli: yes. 

[00:05:53] JJ Flizanes: I wouldn't. I wouldn't retire from personal training for so long. I needed to, but I didn't because of the joint [00:06:00] aspect. Because so many people are doing exercises that wreck their joints, and if you wreck your joints and you have pain, then you can't exercise. So if you don't understand biomechanics and you don't do it properly, that you can actually save your joints, preserve your joints, and been mu build muscle at the same time.

[00:06:13] JJ Flizanes: But we're so sensationalized about our exercise and, and CrossFit and just things that. Really, and even yoga poses that we really shouldn't be doing. So it took me from, here's all the sciences of the body, but when I had people come in that would have back pain or neck pain or shoulder pain and I could back pain was the biggest one when, when I would do all the right things.

[00:06:31] JJ Flizanes: So let's look at the endocrine system. I was working in a medical center in Redondo Beach at the time, so I understand hormones from the diet side. From the exercise side, from the rest side. Okay. From the structural side, looking at, at the, at the physical structure, the, the bones, and are you in alignment?

[00:06:45] JJ Flizanes: Okay. When you can have that all in alignment and you figure that all out and you still have pain now what? Oh, well then that's when I learned about Dr. John Sarno and his work, uh, around back pain and back pain. Basically the root cause of back pain is repressed anger. [00:07:00] So when I saw the client that I was working with and I'm like, oh my God, yeah.

[00:07:03] JJ Flizanes: Ding, ding, ding. Repressed anger right there. Like the emotions aren't, and our emotions are, and I've always been an emotional. Like focused person. I'm a Pisces, I'm intuitive. I sometimes psychic. I was an actress. I like, to me, it's part of who we are and it's why we do everything we, it's literally why we do everything.

[00:07:20] JJ Flizanes: We do how we wanna feel. Our emotions are so important and most people run away from them. They have no idea how to handle them. No, no idea what to do with them. And most of us stuff, our faces or, or diet, right? Like our addiction to control or our addiction to food or addiction to numbing ourselves. And so the, my roads kind of crossed like that.

[00:07:38] JJ Flizanes: It was really a. I care about my body and I want to prepare myself for my future. And then as things started, as clients would come and I'd use all the tools and then I, I couldn't fix the problem. Like, well, I need more tools. And it made only sense. It made a lot of sense to me to look at epigenetics and quantum physics as the next step in the process of uncovering what's going on with someone physically.

[00:07:59] JJ Flizanes: [00:08:00] Usually, remo usually is rooted in something emotional. 

[00:08:03] Carrie Lupoli: Yes. And that's just such a big part of what we leave out, and that's what we're gonna talk about today, is really digging into that emotional connection to our overall health. And you have really, I, I mean you dive deep into this with your clients and the way that you talk about, like, you know, we, we, so we call things different.

[00:08:26] Carrie Lupoli: Different names, but we're teaching so many of the same things. But when I was talking to you about our belief systems being so foundational that we don't recognize, we're not aware of, we don't see the connection of you've taken this to a whole nother level when it comes to our. Our abs like our past and the wounds that we're trying to heal and that being a connector to us right now and the things that we're going through.

[00:08:59] Carrie Lupoli: So let's [00:09:00] dig into that a little bit more. 

[00:09:02] JJ Flizanes: Sure. Uh, it all started when I was trying to save my marriage. It. And, uh, I had again had really studied human behavior in many different ways from astrology to a certain kind of acting style in school, which at the time I didn't know how it fit in. And then later I'm like, oh yeah, okay, I get it.

[00:09:18] JJ Flizanes: When you can try on, like, when you're actually be like, I think everyone would benefit from taking an acting class, because when you can put on someone else's story and see how that feels in your body. It's not about you. And what must it be like to live in this time with this circumstance, with these people?

[00:09:32] JJ Flizanes: It changes the way that you look at things. And most people can't get out of their own way to see somebody else's point of view. They think if I think that looks, that's actually how I learned astrology. I remember being very frustrated with people and thinking everyone was stupid. I was like, what are you stupid?

[00:09:45] JJ Flizanes: Look at me. I'm responding to this event. I'm horrified by it. Why aren't you horrified by it? And it took me to understand how different. Astrological menus and, and if you like, you're like a cookbook, right? All chocolate cakes aren't the same. All aquariums aren't [00:10:00] the same. All levers aren't the same. Yeah.

[00:10:01] JJ Flizanes: But you take back and you look at the blueprint of your astrology energy blueprint and you can see that person, here's what, here's what they value, here's how they see the world, here's how they interpret things. And it's different than how you interpret things. Yeah. So it really gave me some perspective and, and it clarified a lot of things for me.

[00:10:18] JJ Flizanes: So I could put myself in someone else's shoes and really feel, and think and see very differently than I would. So from there. In my marriage, I, we had gone through a couple different counselors and therapists and stuff and, and I was doing a lot of work and I started my podcast to try to save my marriage and to bring on people that I thought he would, he would hear 'cause he couldn't listen to me, which is everyone by the way.

[00:10:39] JJ Flizanes: You no one. Your spouse is not gonna listen to you, period. End of story. They, they need to find it on their own, and then when you can get to the place where they're as motivated as you are, but stop trying to shove it down their throat because they're not gonna hear it from you. You're not supposed to be their coach or trainer.

[00:10:55] JJ Flizanes: And so I knew that. I knew that. I had, it was hard to take the coach hat hat [00:11:00] off most of the time, so I thought, well, let me put it on my show and have someone else who I either learned this from or thinks like me, come teach it so he could hear it from someone else. And it, and it did work a little. 

[00:11:09] Carrie Lupoli: Yes, 

[00:11:10] JJ Flizanes: thanks.

[00:11:11] JJ Flizanes: Um, it did work for a little while. Uh, it did help in different ways, but I stumbled upon the work of Harville Hendrix and he, Kelly Hunt. They've created a therapy called Imago Therapy. That's I-M-A-G-O in the image of 

[00:11:23] Carrie Lupoli: Igo. 

[00:11:24] JJ Flizanes: Yes. Imago Imago. And to me it's the only, it's the only therapy worth doing, I mean, for couples, period.

[00:11:31] JJ Flizanes: Uh, because I, I actually have my own experience with having clients come off of the show and saying, Hey, can you help me? And I had a two session starter pack and I said, sure. And we do the two sessions. And I would do their core wound exercise in that second session and everyone would walk away, say, oh my God, I got more outta this than I did in five years of therapy, or 10 years of therapy, or seven.

[00:11:50] JJ Flizanes: It's happened so many times that I was like, okay, I think I have to claim this. 

[00:11:54] Carrie Lupoli: So when you say core wound in Imago, is that what's, is that what you're [00:12:00] talking about? These two things connected. 

[00:12:01] JJ Flizanes: So, Imago Therapy is a kind of couple's therapy that Harville and Helen created within Imago. There are like, let's say a couple is going through something and they go Tomago therapy, you make an agreement on the first session that you're gonna stay for 12 sessions.

[00:12:16] JJ Flizanes: Because in the 12 sessions, there are exercises that you're gonna do and you're gonna complete them before anyone makes any major decisions. And I had interviewed a therap, uh, a therapist that I thought did mago therapy. She did, but my ex was a foot and a half out the door, so she didn't actually press us.

[00:12:31] JJ Flizanes: But then when I actually had harville on the show, oh my gosh, that was like my favorite conversation. It's called your, your relationship explained. Uh, it was back in. 2018 and he and I just chit chatted for, I dunno, an hour, an hour and a half. And I really understood at that time what neuroplasticity was.

[00:12:47] JJ Flizanes: And I also knew that we didn't do it in the therapy I was in. Yeah. So, so I went back to this core wound exercise that's in Imago. And even that exercise when, when I did it was life changing. I had this behavior that I would do with [00:13:00] my ex-husband that I even recognized. I could observe it and say, I don't know why I keep doing this, it doesn't work.

[00:13:05] JJ Flizanes: And he'd say, you know, that doesn't work. I said, I know, but I don't know why I can't stop doing it. It wasn't until I did this exercise that I could see the pattern. That's what my brain does. I see patterns. I saw the pattern so clearly I immediately stopped doing it. 

[00:13:21] Carrie Lupoli: Oh my gosh. Okay, so help us see this, because I always say this, self-consciousness is a disease.

[00:13:26] Carrie Lupoli: Self-awareness is health, and the stuff that you teach, and this focus on core wounds, which we're gonna really dig into, is to me, this ability to give ourselves a level of self-awareness that we may not have. And that's what ended up happening to you as someone as, as a, arguably, a very self-aware person.

[00:13:47] Carrie Lupoli: Because of the work that you do. There's always a blind spot. We, we can't always see the label from inside the jar. So talk to us a little bit more about what it is that you recognized and how you. [00:14:00] You were able to make that shift? 

[00:14:03] JJ Flizanes: Well, part of the core wound exercise is like an eight page exercise and you start with the positive things and you go through some of the negative things and you go through your childhood frustrations and you look and you kind of write this all down.

[00:14:12] JJ Flizanes: And again, 

[00:14:12] Carrie Lupoli: so that, because that's what the core wound concept is, is that right? Looking back. 

[00:14:17] JJ Flizanes: So let's talk about what a core wound is. So, and this is, this is, this is the game changer. So a core wound is basically the belief that your brain before it becomes conscious. Creates to survive in the world. It happens between the ages of zero, like last trimester and seven.

[00:14:36] JJ Flizanes: Okay. Because you don't have a consciousness. 

[00:14:37] Carrie Lupoli: Can you say that again? Like, let re, re define that one more time. 

[00:14:40] JJ Flizanes: A core wound is a belief that your brain creates in order to survive to get safety and love before you're seven. 

[00:14:50] Carrie Lupoli: Okay. Got it. 

[00:14:52] JJ Flizanes: And before you're seven, you don't have consciousness as, as a, as a brainwave, actually you have theta and I believe it's delta.

[00:14:59] JJ Flizanes: So you [00:15:00] have like sleeping and you have theta, which is basically hypnotic state. So you are taking in everything in your surroundings, all the behaviors, all the energies of your parents, your caregivers, people around you. You're taking it. You're not choosing to decide to believe it. It is being. It's being downloaded without your permission in a way, right?

[00:15:19] JJ Flizanes: Because the brain's just like a sponge absorbing all this information and then it makes decisions to protect you or to get you love and attention. And so these beliefs become the foundation of your belief system for the rest of your life. 

[00:15:34] Carrie Lupoli: But we're using the word core wound and when I hear wound I hear pain hurt.

[00:15:40] Carrie Lupoli: Mm-hmm. That kind of thing. Mm-hmm. So help me understand how the beliefs equal or, or turn into, I'm not sure which one it is. Core wounds. That word to me is really powerful. 

[00:15:52] JJ Flizanes: The belief is the wound because it's negative. Got it. So it says something like, let's say I'm crying in my crib and my parents leave me [00:16:00] for 10 seconds longer than normal, and my brain goes into hyper crazy mode of my, my nervous system is in fight or flight, and I've decided that they left me.

[00:16:09] JJ Flizanes: I've been abandoned. So that potentially creates an abandonment wound where I now feel that my belief is people leave me. 

[00:16:17] Carrie Lupoli: Yep. Yep. So this is all in the subconscious and these are all things that have happened to us that have sort of set a belief system in place that is now dictating our quote unquote truth.

[00:16:29] Carrie Lupoli: Although I call it truthiness 'cause it's not really true. We just believe it's true. 

[00:16:33] JJ Flizanes: Right? And, but here's the, here's the, the magic about the core wound work is that people don't understand. They don't even know it's there. Right? In our conscious brain, our 12% of our conscious brain, when we go to therapy.

[00:16:43] JJ Flizanes: We're talking about things that we're aware of and we're not ever like the, the problem having today is not about the problem I'm having today. The problem having today has been manifested because of the belief I have about myself in the world, which called it in. And it's not about the details of today, it's about who I think I am and how I interpret the [00:17:00] world.

[00:17:00] JJ Flizanes: But most of us don't know that. I have a friend who's done, I mean, she's a healer in herself, like she's an amazing healer. She's done 25 years worth of self-help work and she's extremely conscious, but she has an abandonment wound that basically has didn't go away for a very long time. And there are two things I did with her.

[00:17:17] JJ Flizanes: One was the date your body program, because in the way she would abandon herself. So let's talk about, let's connect why this is important. It's important because if you are, have. Areas of your life that you wanna shift and change. You don't like the patterns and habits that you have when you meet it at the top, when you meet it at the behavior, when you meet it at the conscious brain conversation, it's not the root.

[00:17:36] JJ Flizanes: The root is what do I, how do I feel about myself if we don't, she knew she had an abandoned wound. She could talk about it for 10 days without taking a breath, but she never was challenged to create some neuroplasticity and challenge that belief because our core wounds, if it was a one time, it happened a couple times, and Oh my God, I interpreted this way and now I'm over it.

[00:17:55] JJ Flizanes: Okay, that wouldn't be such a big deal. But the problem with the core wounds is that these beliefs become our [00:18:00] secret way in which we treat ourselves our entire lives. So when we look at if I have an abandonment wound, it's why women, especially if a man, if you're dating or you know, if you have someone that you're in love with and they're not calling you back.

[00:18:14] JJ Flizanes: You get anxious and you go into catastrophizing because they haven't called you back because your abandonment wound says they've left. They've left, they've left. Your brain goes into responding to, because it's its default program that got installed before you are eight. So, right. But if we think of, oh, I'm just gonna manage my habits.

[00:18:33] JJ Flizanes: Then we're never gonna heal it, 

[00:18:34] Carrie Lupoli: right? 

[00:18:35] JJ Flizanes: We're never gonna heal it. We have to manage the belief. We have to change the belief. 

[00:18:38] Carrie Lupoli: How do we, if it was, if it was subconscious, when we got it and it's programmed into us, how do we even recognize it as a core wound? 

[00:18:49] JJ Flizanes: Well, this exercise that Harville created is a really powerful exercise.

[00:18:52] JJ Flizanes: And again, over the last eight to 10 years as I was doing it, and I was doing it with clients because again. So [00:19:00] how we all process emotion is different. Your moon sign in your astrological charts, how you deal with it with emotion and mine is sag. And sagittarians are true seekers. So when I learn information, that is enough to change my behavior because I can't unsee it.

[00:19:14] JJ Flizanes: Now, that's not everybody. And I noticed as I was doing the work with people over the years, that some people would have the reaction I had where they uncovered a truth they didn't know and it would change their behavior. And some people would have an emotional reaction and cry and go, oh my God, that's why.

[00:19:28] JJ Flizanes: But then they would not change their behavior. 

[00:19:29] Carrie Lupoli: Yeah, 

[00:19:30] JJ Flizanes: right. 

[00:19:30] Carrie Lupoli: I, I see that a lot. 

[00:19:31] JJ Flizanes: Right. So it's, look, but that's because we're not addressing, have changing the neuroplasticity of the, of the belief system into the opposite belief we're, we are negatively programmed to expect it when we don't even know it.

[00:19:45] JJ Flizanes: That's what I'm saying. It's uncovering what it is so that you can actually change the pattern long term versus deal with all the stuff on the top about what's going on today. 

[00:19:53] Carrie Lupoli: You have to be actually aware of it before anything can ever change, 

[00:19:59] JJ Flizanes: right? 

[00:19:59] Carrie Lupoli: That's [00:20:00] really what you're taking. Okay. So take us back to when you were in, 'cause you, you really like springboard off of this in your own practice.

[00:20:08] Carrie Lupoli: Uh. From your counseling and therapy as a couple. So what was it that you realized that you were doing that you couldn't stop doing until you figured out the core wound? 

[00:20:20] JJ Flizanes: So for me it was about teaching. It was when I looked at, so my. Ex-husband and I have different, you know, we, we were raised differently.

[00:20:28] JJ Flizanes: We have different traumas, different issues, different relationships with our parents, different ways that we cope and deal with that. And so I was looking from the aspect of, 'cause I've always been the person that is a really great problem solver. Not that he wasn't too, but I was always dedicated to my health and wellness and my emotional wellbeing that somehow got programmed.

[00:20:45] JJ Flizanes: Before I incarnated in this earth because I knew, like I just got that, like feeling good and being happy was the only reason I'm here. And of course, yes, you're gonna have contrast and you're gonna move through things and, and that's part of our growth pattern. But ultimately it's [00:21:00] finding the empowerment and then having a strategy.

[00:21:02] JJ Flizanes: To get there if you've never been there before. It's how we grow. It's how we change. It's how we get what we want. And I would see some, I would identify the problems. I was very hyper-focused on the problems. And then when I looked at the solution, I'd question why he wasn't doing it. And I would. And so I would try to teach him, I would try to teach him through whatever way, right?

[00:21:19] JJ Flizanes: Here's this book. Let's go to this workshop, let's go to this seminar, let's listen to this cd, whatever 

[00:21:24] Carrie Lupoli: else, information. Is that usually what people need? 

[00:21:26] JJ Flizanes: I know. 

[00:21:27] Carrie Lupoli: More information. Right? 

[00:21:28] JJ Flizanes: Right. Right, but that, but for 

[00:21:30] Carrie Lupoli: you, as someone that can take information and use it, that's where you're saying it's really hard to recognize someone else's perspective who can't do that.

[00:21:38] JJ Flizanes: Right, and I knew his whole chart and I understood all that. And so when I saw, and I thought this was just him, like, I'm like, oh, it's just because of his situation. This is why I do it. But when I went back into the childhood stuff and like looked at the childhood frustrations and there's like a grid that you create, and I saw that from the, from 7, 8, 9, 10.

[00:21:59] JJ Flizanes: I would [00:22:00] teach my parents, and if I didn't, and if they didn't respond the way I wanted to, I had the same response. I would argue, yell, and then teach, argue, yell, and teach. And that went down the line. I went, oh, oh, this is not a, this is not a this situation problem. This is a. Lifelong issue. This is what I've been dealing with.

[00:22:17] JJ Flizanes: This is what I've been carrying. It 

[00:22:18] Carrie Lupoli: sounds so connected to the Enneagram. Do you know the Enneagram? 

[00:22:22] JJ Flizanes: I do know it. It's one of the systems. I have so many systems that I don't, anything Enneagram tells me I can get through astrology and I use astrology, so I just started doing a little bit of human design, but when I can get everything I need.

[00:22:34] JJ Flizanes: I don't need to compile 

[00:22:36] Carrie Lupoli: like 10. Yeah. I don't know astrology that well at all, but everything you're saying aligns so much with the Enneagram eight. Whether or not that's what you are, that's what I am. Which might be why we connect so much on so many things because I'm very similar while I'm in Aries, and again, I don't really know what that means compared to Sagittarius, but as an Enneagram eight, it's like I get.

[00:22:55] Carrie Lupoli: Into it. I get like, I'm like, when I get bought into something, I [00:23:00] want everyone else to get bought in with me. 

[00:23:03] JJ Flizanes: Yeah. Well, I'm actually a Pisces. My moon's in inside, so. Oh, 

[00:23:06] Carrie Lupoli: okay. Okay. 

[00:23:07] JJ Flizanes: And you, and unless you, 

[00:23:08] I 

[00:23:08] Carrie Lupoli: don't know, the, I don't know the, yeah, 

[00:23:09] JJ Flizanes: so how, how you deal with emotion is in your moon sign, not in your sun sign.

[00:23:12] JJ Flizanes: So, uh, yeah, Aries, uh, first there's lots of good things about Aries Pioneer, uh, full of energy leaders. And then there's, you know, we all have the shadow side though too. So there's the shadow side of all of us and there's the light side of all of us. So anyway, but the moon sign, the, because I have aag Rising, ASAG, moon, ASAG soul, and then, but I am a Pisces.

[00:23:31] JJ Flizanes: And the Pisces part of me is the feeling part. It's the intuitive part. It's this. Psychic part. It's the, it's the one that really values how I feel and that feelings are so important. And then how we ex deal with them and express them and, and process them is really why we're all here is to learn how to do that.

[00:23:47] JJ Flizanes: So yeah. So the pattern was really clear that I would try to teach people and I did because I wanted everyone to feel better or be better or, you know, I wouldn't try to teach you if your life was great, but if you complained about something and I was like, well, let's fix it. 

[00:23:58] Carrie Lupoli: Right, [00:24:00] right. I'm like, we're not gonna just stay here and keep complaining about it.

[00:24:03] Carrie Lupoli: We're actually going to do something about it. 

[00:24:05] JJ Flizanes: Right. 

[00:24:05] Carrie Lupoli: So, so that's what you realized was that piece around you a either trying to fix by teaching, teaching, teaching. Am I right? 

[00:24:15] JJ Flizanes: Yeah. Yeah, so one of my core wounds is devalued. Now I say that because I have to figure out if there's a better word. In the past, that's what it came up with.

[00:24:23] JJ Flizanes: I was not devalued, meaning I do not believe my parents did not love me. I was attended to, I was a very wanted child. I was the center of attention for many things. I was number one. I did a lot. My mother's whole life was running me around from cheerleading to dance, to baton, to piano lessons, like whatever it was.

[00:24:40] JJ Flizanes: I did all the things that came to all my shows. But it was that I didn't, they didn't understand me. And that's a conversation that's different. I mean, it's, they don't get me. They still don't get me. They love me. They don't get me because we have different ways of interpreting things. We have different soul levels, we have different consciousness levels, we have different curiosities.

[00:24:56] JJ Flizanes: And my whole life, [00:25:00] mission and passion and reason for being in Dharma in this lifetime is very much about uncovering and creating systems that simplify and get people faster to healing and success. That's kind of why I'm here. 

[00:25:13] Carrie Lupoli: I love this. Okay, so let's dig into that a little bit more because I know that that's what you do.

[00:25:19] Carrie Lupoli: I mean, you are so solution oriented. You have so many tools and resources in your toolbox. So when you have, and and for my audience listeners who are like, okay, I have been. Chasing after this body. This look, this, I don't know, perception of perfection and I'm struggling and the, the average woman that listens to my podcast has admitted to me through polling that by 50 years old, she has been dieting or obsessing about food and her body for over 30 years.

[00:25:55] Carrie Lupoli: So we're talking about so many. Just [00:26:00] deep ingrained habits on top of what you're now introducing us to with regards to our core wounds. Where do we start? When we're there? 

[00:26:11] JJ Flizanes: Well, I, to me, I've, so over the eight years I've been working with this exercise and with groups. Uh, I have a certification myself teaching people how to use the tools that I use.

[00:26:22] JJ Flizanes: 'cause some, two people or three people had said to me, you need to teach what you do. Like in a row different weren't connected. And I'm like, I can, it's my brain. I can't teach you how I think and, and look at things. And then I thought, but I could teach them the tools that I use. And so I started to do that with people.

[00:26:35] JJ Flizanes: I started to do these groups and then sort of magic happened in the groups. And then every year, even this year, I'm about ready to finish writing the book. And this year's group of the rewire, another boom, another idea was born of like, oh, we need to do this, let's do this next. And I, and they're like, we love this.

[00:26:50] JJ Flizanes: I'm like, I've never done this with anybody else, because each new group like takes it to the next level. So where do we start? Well understanding and you can, well, my book is gonna come out and maybe [00:27:00] you'll have me back when my book is out so we can 

[00:27:01] Carrie Lupoli: Yeah. You guys 

[00:27:02] JJ Flizanes: can 

[00:27:02] Carrie Lupoli: get the book. I'll, we're gonna talk, we're gonna talk all about that.

[00:27:04] Carrie Lupoli: I'm very excited about that. We actually, that's one of the ways that we connected when we were talking about our books coming out. 

[00:27:08] JJ Flizanes: Yeah. Uh, it's, you know, we're looking at, I've created what I call a core wound map. And the map is because that exercise that you get in mago therapy, which people can buy by the way, it's uh, getting the love that you want workbook, it's in there and you could just fill it out.

[00:27:22] JJ Flizanes: But it's not the map. So if you have a SAG moon, maybe like me, you do the exercise and you'll be like, oh my God. And you'll see it and you'll make changes forever. If you're not like me, uh, then we need to extract the data because the core wound exercise is where you get the data of your past. You can see the patterns.

[00:27:39] JJ Flizanes: Then we extract the data to look at. Two, two forms. So the first one is the circuit. When you are triggered, most of us cannot control, or all of us can't control. 'cause it's subconscious, right? Like if you have this wound, your brain is interpreting something, you're not, it's not happening consciously.

[00:27:57] JJ Flizanes: You're not looking at it from the observer standpoint. All of that is [00:28:00] the goal. And then deciding how to interpret it. Your brain is already interpreted because if you have a wound of abandonment and someone's not calling you back. Or someone is late, or someone hasn't called you in two days, you're already in freakout mode.

[00:28:12] JJ Flizanes: The brain already thinks, oh my God, I'm gonna die. Right? Right. So when you get triggered, there's nothing you can do about it for that very first second because it's, your brain has already subconsciously interpreted for you what it means. However, you can control the second, third, fourth, fifth, 10th, and 20th second by how you decide to deal with it, talk about it, or understand it.

[00:28:34] JJ Flizanes: I love, so we 

[00:28:34] Carrie Lupoli: look at, I would say like we might not be able to control how you feel. But we can control our thoughts and our actions around it. So that that first second that you're talking about is sort of that original like emotion, that feeling that it just is. How you respond after that is what you're talking about.

[00:28:52] JJ Flizanes: Well actually I'm glad that you mentioned that 'cause when you were talking yesterday, I have an exercise that I'm going to have to day out here. It's, 

[00:28:58] Carrie Lupoli: yeah, because we had a nice [00:29:00] little conversation yesterday. I was on J'S podcast and uh, talking about so many different things and I feel like today can, gets to be a continuation of that.

[00:29:10] JJ Flizanes: Yeah. I wanna go 

[00:29:10] Carrie Lupoli: that. We'll link, we'll link that podcast in our show notes so people can see kind of the, the, the both sides of the coin here. 

[00:29:17] JJ Flizanes: I wanna go through an exercise for your audience, because while I can't give them a core wound exercise, because again, it's eight pages long, and then even when you get the exercise, it's not the map.

[00:29:28] JJ Flizanes: So there is a bit of. Understanding it. So when the book comes out, that'll be the easiest, fastest way to do it. But I mean, this is like a nine month program that I do with people to rewire core wound patterns. And it's not just so, anyway, and I get people at the end to love themselves like they've never loved themselves before.

[00:29:43] JJ Flizanes: We're making decisions based on, I mean, I've had so many people who've come out of 12 step programs who have no success at, I mean, had, they don't do their, whatever the 12 step program is, which is all, that's another story. They now have adopted control issues instead of whatever the. The 12 step was about, but it's [00:30:00] actually understanding that we never healed the root.

[00:30:01] JJ Flizanes: We never healed the root of why you chose to do the thing in the first place, to suppress your feelings and do you actually love yourself. And uh, and so that's kind of what I do. I help people truly accept and love themselves and care for themselves. Better than the care for anybody else. And when you're in that position, then making food choices is easy.

[00:30:19] JJ Flizanes: Making exercise choices is easy. Yeah. Not sabotaging. I'm, I'm doing like a carnivore thing this week as a trial and yesterday on the way to, I also cat sitting on the way to go sit this cat. I stopped at the store because I really wanted salmon. I thought, oh, I really would love some poached salmon. I've been eating a lot of meat and salmon feels really good, and I go to the store and I, there's no sauce or anything on it, but I look at it in the case and there's, there's like a coconut aminos and I think there's some honey, and I'm like, Ugh, I can't do it.

[00:30:46] JJ Flizanes: I can't do it. I can't break this. I can't have sugar on this carnivore. Like I'm only doing five days. So then I bought the smoked salmon instead. But that's what, when you love and respect yourself, it wasn't about anybody else. 'cause I have a group and I was honest [00:31:00] with them. I'm like, I'm gonna have the salmon.

[00:31:01] JJ Flizanes: I'm gonna treat myself. And then I got there and I'm like, Nope, I can't do it. I can't willingly sabotage myself in this five day plan. When I could wait a couple more days and I can choose the salmon that's smoke, doesn't have any sugar in it. So you know, when we get to that point of truly really caring for yourself on another level, then these choices become easier.

[00:31:19] Carrie Lupoli: Yeah. Because it's not, it becomes not about restriction and what you can't have, it's about serving your body because you love yourself too much not to. 

[00:31:26] JJ Flizanes: Right. And 

[00:31:27] Carrie Lupoli: that's a huge shift in the way that you actually make decisions. 

[00:31:31] JJ Flizanes: It's been how I have felt about exercise this whole time. I care about my body and I don't want to be, I don't wanna have osteoporosis, I don't wanna have a hip fracture.

[00:31:39] JJ Flizanes: I want to be able to eat and do what I want to do into my eighties, nineties, like you were talking about yesterday. I want to be healthy and vital and vibrant, full of optimally hormonal, as well as, uh, you know, lean and strong. Until I die, I don't want to decline and decline. And so I understand that what I do now affects me five, 10, and [00:32:00] 20 years from now, and I have to invest now to make sure that my future is what it is.

[00:32:05] JJ Flizanes: Because when you get to the place where you have not attended to yourself for many, many years is a lot harder and a lot more expensive to get yourself back up to a place if you haven't created a stronger foundation. 

[00:32:16] Carrie Lupoli: My brother-in-law renovated an old Jeep that was part of the family, like they owned a repair shop for many, many, many years, and that Jeep was sitting in the back of the repair shop, abandoned for decades.

[00:32:27] Carrie Lupoli: So when he finally went to go restore it, he had to spend a lot of money, a lot of time, and it never quite made it like we couldn't put the roof on it, you know, like the roof couldn't stay out. And so it's like you're never gonna get it. As, as strong as you could if we actually maintain, you know, and take care of ourselves from the beginning.

[00:32:46] Carrie Lupoli: So you said you're gonna walk us through an exercise. Tell us what that is. 

[00:32:50] JJ Flizanes: I wanna, I, I am gonna do that, but I wanna finish the, the things that the core wounds provides. So that circuit, 'cause this is valuable for anyone that knows or has an idea of what their core wounds may be. So [00:33:00] first we look at the circuit because it looks like this.

[00:33:02] JJ Flizanes: If you don't attend to it, you get triggered. You have a go-to feeling or two like emotion that is around that trigger, and then you have a go-to action or reaction that happens because of that trigger. So for a lot of people that I'm gonna guess in the, I wanna change my body, diet world, whatever. The reason why I sabotage is because I'm performing for love, I'm restricting, I'm, I'm trying to get attention, I'm trying to get to results.

[00:33:28] JJ Flizanes: I don't love myself. I won't love myself until I get to a certain result. I'm depriving myself so that way I get frustrated or I get triggered. I then rebel and do the opposite because in this situation, I don't feel free. I want to feel free. 

[00:33:41] Carrie Lupoli: Yeah. 

[00:33:42] JJ Flizanes: Right. 

[00:33:43] Carrie Lupoli: Yep. Yep. 

[00:33:43] JJ Flizanes: So, so the circuit is important to know the pattern so that when you're in it, you could recognize it and then you could do the opposite of it.

[00:33:50] JJ Flizanes: That's one way. It's not, it's not the preferred way, because I don't want you to wait until you're triggered in order to like start to rewire your, your brain. 

[00:33:57] Carrie Lupoli: Yeah. 

[00:33:57] JJ Flizanes: Um, so we look at the circuit. The next section is [00:34:00] looking at, let's say, abandonment. So if you know that your core wound might be abandonment, so then the bigger.

[00:34:05] JJ Flizanes: Conversation is about being proactive, about doing whatever the opposite is and creating a belief that says the opposite. So if you felt abandoned, what's the opposite of abandoned? 

[00:34:14] Carrie Lupoli: Like held, loved, worshiped. 

[00:34:18] JJ Flizanes: Yes. Attended to Cherished, yeah. Okay. Yeah, so, so then we have to proactively stretch beyond. So here's where I love, like my personal training became personal training in an emotional way.

[00:34:29] JJ Flizanes: 'cause most people aren't gonna stretch beyond. What their comfort zone is, even in their dysfunction, if they know they don't love themselves and they do something that says to the brain, you love yourself by doing this, maybe it's gonna cost more money. Maybe it's gonna take more time. Maybe they think they're gonna fail.

[00:34:43] JJ Flizanes: Maybe they think someone's gonna abandon them if they don't do it right. But if they don't do it, they don't create a new neural pathway and we stay in the loop of the wound. So what I do now, instead of personal training. Well, I do a little bit of that too, but personal training with, you know, resistance training for people and create the programs and [00:35:00] hold them accountable to that.

[00:35:01] JJ Flizanes: I now help people hold accountable to stretching beyond, to inputting, to downloading, installing new software in the brain that says I'm important, I'm valuable. I love myself. I am whole. I am perfect just the way that I am. I blah, blah, blah, whatever the wound is. We do the opposite of that. 

[00:35:19] Carrie Lupoli: Yes, yes, yes, yes.

[00:35:20] Carrie Lupoli: Okay. But I gotta believe that regardless of the wound, that kind of rewiring is important. Even if you're not like, I know it's abandonment, I know it's x, I know it's Y, it's Z. 'cause at the end of the day, it's all causing the result is us not loving ourselves enough. One way or the other. Do you 

[00:35:41] JJ Flizanes: agree?

[00:35:41] JJ Flizanes: Right. Well, there, yeah. Well there, like I said, the friend of mine who's a healer, she's done a bunch of, you know, work around that abandonment wound for 20 years and when she did my date, your body group, uh, which we don't do core wounds and date your body, but the one area where, well, it's not, well, she does more than one, but her major area where she would abandon herself.[00:36:00] 

[00:36:00] JJ Flizanes: Because that's the question to ask yourself. Where do I abandon myself? Again, if this was just something that happened in the past, I might be able to make peace with that and forgive people. But what happens is we adopt that belief and we live that belief every day. So when you say, well, if I have an abandonment moon, how do, what are three ways.

[00:36:16] JJ Flizanes: I abandoned myself and for her discipline with food and exercise was one of the major ways. And so between that and then doing another kind of journey with me, um, we help repair all that. And now she's different in the same situation. Now she does not behave or act the same way that she'd before her.

[00:36:32] JJ Flizanes: Patterns and habits have changed because now we've, we've wired that that pattern of abandoned. It's 

[00:36:37] Carrie Lupoli: so interesting that you say that because like, I will always say it, it's part of the wiring. I hate working out. Like, I hate it. I like having worked out. I know how important it is. I do it. I've done it consistently four to five times a week, strength training for over a decade, but it's like it's, it's work for me to get there.

[00:36:57] Carrie Lupoli: Only in the last, I would [00:37:00] say four months have I actually felt a magnet to the gym. And, and I can't really explain it. You're making me think about this in a bit of a different way as to why I've had such resistance to it, like that that's where I abandoned myself, or I want to abandon myself. I don't, because I know how important it is, but it's so logical as to why I do it, and yet it hasn't been.

[00:37:28] Carrie Lupoli: Psychological to want to do it. I just forced myself to do it 'cause I know I need to. But like I said, in the last four months there's been a shift in my desire, which is so interesting. 

[00:37:39] JJ Flizanes: Well, you're not alone. Most people don't like to exercise or don't wanna do resistance training, so you're, you know, most people feel like it's punishment, especially if they haven't had any kind of training and being disciplined about some kind of sports or dance or something that they've done.

[00:37:53] JJ Flizanes: They feel like it's punishment. But this is where, you know, whatever has happened for you, you've changed a belief you maybe didn't know you had. [00:38:00] Right? Like you didn't have to uncover it. But through doing it, it has shifted and that is definitely like, there's an inside out and an outside 

[00:38:06] Carrie Lupoli: out. It took like 10 years.

[00:38:08] JJ Flizanes: Okay. Right. Well, I wanna help people a lot faster than that. Um, but it does take more than a weekend. It does take more than a couple of months. Um, I might even make the rewire program a year in the future, but right now, nine months is like our sweet spot. Um, so let's, but I 

[00:38:20] Carrie Lupoli: wanna, Hey, you know, I've also been going after that part of it a little bit on my own.

[00:38:24] Carrie Lupoli: Do you know what I mean? And I've shifted, right? Like I go in ebbs and flows, but there's a definite shift in, in how I am, how I'm, um, looking at it now. So it's just interesting as you're saying this, and I think this is where self-awareness, neuroplasticity. And just the concept of learning. And this is why to me, learning, while some people will learn it and not do anything with it, it doesn't mean we abandon the knowledge.

[00:38:49] Carrie Lupoli: And that's what you're offering here is this new way of looking at how our, our thoughts and our beliefs dictate our actions. 

[00:38:56] JJ Flizanes: And I'm a believer in when you learn it, then you live it. [00:39:00] 

[00:39:00] Carrie Lupoli: Yeah. 

[00:39:01] JJ Flizanes: Right. Love that. 'cause there are a lot of people who wanna gather all kinds of information, triple, you know, you get your PhDs and you got all your degrees, but you don't live it.

[00:39:08] JJ Flizanes: You know it. I know that. Do you live it? 

[00:39:11] Carrie Lupoli: There's a bunch of crazy psychiatrists and crazy unhealthy doctors out there, so. 

[00:39:15] JJ Flizanes: Totally, totally. Yeah. So are you living it that doctors 

[00:39:19] Carrie Lupoli: actually learned how to be healthy? I will say 

[00:39:21] JJ Flizanes: no. Agreed. Agreed. I mean, I, I'm very skeptical of all of that because it doesn't mean, I mean, I, I, even before I did any of this.

[00:39:28] JJ Flizanes: I'm talking 25 years ago when I was in a networking group. I was the personal trainer and there was the therapist in the group, and then I saw her react in a situation where she was like a 10-year-old. I'm like, you're a therapist. Shouldn't you be healed from this? Shouldn't you know how to do this better?

[00:39:41] JJ Flizanes: No, she did not, because that's not what they do in therapy. Most talk therapy. Okay, so this is where. You know, and I've got Harville and he and Helen's blessing. They've written the forward of the book. They've endorsed the book. He thinks it's a great concept. Uh, my Corwin patterns. But, so this is it. It is a deeper kind of conversation.

[00:39:56] JJ Flizanes: It doesn't happen overnight. However, I do want you to make you aware of it that you do have [00:40:00] beliefs. Not you, but everyone who's listening. Yeah. Yeah. Uh, that you do have beliefs. That you may not know that are your, your subconscious is way of interpreting the world. If you believe that you, so let's go with my devalued, and let's say you really believe you were devalued.

[00:40:13] JJ Flizanes: Like they did not find you worthy. They did not love you in the way that you think you should have been loved. You didn't get attention. You were, you know, got negative feedback, whatever. Let's say if it devalued, that's your set point. So you're gonna go into the world without even knowing it and interpret everything through that lens.

[00:40:29] JJ Flizanes: And if we don't change that lens, life doesn't change. 

[00:40:32] Carrie Lupoli: Yeah. At all. 

[00:40:34] JJ Flizanes: Right? 

[00:40:34] Carrie Lupoli: That's why people have been 30 years on this rollercoaster and feeling like they don't know how to get out of it, 

[00:40:41] JJ Flizanes: right? So the, so the tool I want to give everybody, it's called, uh, the Feelings and Needs List, and I have, uh, the, I, I don't have this publicly on my website.

[00:40:54] JJ Flizanes: There's a, a private link. The reason is because if you found it and downloaded it, you wouldn't know what to do with it. So it's only after I [00:41:00] teach it do I give it to you. Okay? It's jj zas.com/feelings. List feelings with an S, right? And I know that'll be, well 

[00:41:06] Carrie Lupoli: make sure we put this in the show notes.

[00:41:07] JJ Flizanes: That'll be in the show notes. Okay? It is a piece of paper. I'm gonna tell you the three questions you're gonna ask yourself, but you're gonna download this piece of paper and you're gonna print many copies. You're gonna put it in your purse, on your desk, on your. Refrigerator in your bathroom, in your bedroom, wherever, in your car, in your gym bag.

[00:41:22] JJ Flizanes: You're gonna have this with you all the time when you get triggered because regardless of core wounds, which are great for rewiring and shifting your life sort of more permanently, we still in the moment need to understand why we feel, what we feel. And instead of, especially for people who with exercise and diet stuff, instead of going to food, to, to stuff my feelings and use it as a, as a drug, let's understand the feeling.

[00:41:45] JJ Flizanes: Let's see what need is not being met and let's. Problem solve it so that it goes away and you feel better, and then you don't have to stuff your face because you're numbing, a feeling that's uncomfortable in your body. So this feelings and needs list, this work comes from Dr. Marshall Rosenberg who wrote Nonviolent [00:42:00] Communication.

[00:42:00] JJ Flizanes: And again, my brain sees patterns. And so years ago when I learned this and I went to many, many classes, I even considered getting certified. But then there was like one piece of it that I'm like, no, I'm not in alignment with that. So I'm just gonna take the tools and I'm gonna use them. And I've used them for years.

[00:42:13] JJ Flizanes: It's one of the things that I tell people, if there's nothing else you learn, if there is nothing else you get out of what I do with you. If you can master this, you will change your whole life. So on the top there are a hundred different feeling words. 

[00:42:25] Carrie Lupoli: Okay? 

[00:42:26] JJ Flizanes: A hundred. Why is there a hundred? Most of us can't even like name 10, right?

[00:42:30] JJ Flizanes: There are a hundred, because it's about the intensity of the feeling. So for instance, if I said to you, Carrie, I'm a little irritated, you'd be like, oh, what's up? But if I was standing next to you and I said. I'm enraged. You'd take a step back and be like, well, okay. Right? Why? It's 

[00:42:44] Carrie Lupoli: a whole nother level of irritating.

[00:42:45] JJ Flizanes: A whole nother level of mad and angry, right? Yeah. Irritated is like a little irritated. It's like percentage wise, a little bit enraged is about ready to explode. Very different, under the same category of mad. So you wanna get really clear about what you're feeling. So here are the three [00:43:00] questions. The first question is, what am I feeling?

[00:43:04] JJ Flizanes: I'm, I've been triggered, something's going on with me. I'm uncomfortable. What is this feeling? And maybe another level of, of awareness, where does it live in my body? So I'm like, okay, I'm a little, what am I feeling right now? And so I want you to, everyone to learn. And even if to circle it like, what is it that I'm feeling in this moment that I've been triggered?

[00:43:21] JJ Flizanes: Okay, number one, what am I feeling? Number two, the only reason why you ever feel negative emotion, the only reason I'm gonna say that again, you only ever feel negative emotion is because a need. Is not being met. The perception of Anita is not being met. So in the case of let's say a couple that I had a woman, she had cheated on her husband and she was gonna leave him and divorce him, she came to me and she said he doesn't love me.

[00:43:45] JJ Flizanes: And we unpacked all that and we worked on that. And really, he loves her very much. Uh, and when we looked at how to interpret his love language differently, she could see it differently. Now they've been together ever since. It's been like at least eight years, and they're better and they're better than ever because her [00:44:00] perception was.

[00:44:01] JJ Flizanes: He's not attracted to me. 'cause her love language was touch and quality time and he had some issues around that. His love language was acts of service. Yeah. When she could see it through a different lens, she could now feel the love that was already there, but she couldn't see it. So that's the perception piece, right?

[00:44:16] Carrie Lupoli: Yes. 

[00:44:16] JJ Flizanes: All right. So you have to, so what need is not being met, and I'm gonna give you guys an exercise in a second after we go through this initial step because there's a lot of value to this piece of paper, even without you being triggered. So most of us don't talk in in needs 'cause we weren't taught to have them.

[00:44:30] JJ Flizanes: Right? If you are a kid and your parents said, uh, kids should be seen and not heard, you were told it's not okay to have needs so you don't attend to yourself. Right? 

[00:44:38] Carrie Lupoli: Nobody ever asked you like, what do you need right now? They just told us what we needed, 

[00:44:42] JJ Flizanes: right? But we all have 86 basic human. Everyone has these basic human needs, so we wanna uncover what the need is that's not being met, or the perception of not being met.

[00:44:52] JJ Flizanes: That's causing the feeling because you don't get fe, you don't catch feelings, they don't fly in the air, and you're like, all of a sudden you feel bad. The reason why you have a negative [00:45:00] emotion is because you're subconscious has interpreted something that then makes you go, I don't have that, or, I'm not getting that, and this is where the need comes in.

[00:45:07] JJ Flizanes: So that's step number two. Step number one, what am I feeling? Step number two, what need is not being met, that's creating this feeling. Okay, step number three. What strategies more than one can I take to get that need met? 

[00:45:20] Carrie Lupoli: Mm-hmm. 

[00:45:20] JJ Flizanes: And here's the kicker, listen up without needing anyone else to be different.

[00:45:27] Carrie Lupoli: Yeah. Because you can't control what other people are doing. 

[00:45:30] JJ Flizanes: Right. When it sounds like this, oh, I love 

[00:45:31] Carrie Lupoli: it 

[00:45:32] JJ Flizanes: when it sounds like this. I need him to uhuh. Nope. Nope, nope. You are responsible for your needs, no one else's. You are responsible for your own needs and your own happiness. This is an inside job. No one else is responsible.

[00:45:44] JJ Flizanes: So if you say, but like let's say companionship, someone could say, well, I need more companionship, and my husband or my spouse or my whatever needs no. No, you could also get companionship from other people. It doesn't have to be your spouse. It could be other people that you hang out with, however. And so [00:46:00] when we start to problem solve more than one, you can't have one way of getting the need met, and it can't depend on anybody else.

[00:46:05] JJ Flizanes: It has to be something. 

[00:46:06] Carrie Lupoli: So the rule, those are kind of the boundaries that you have to set on yourself so you can truly get to a actual solution, 

[00:46:13] JJ Flizanes: right? And an actual solution. Here's where empowerment comes in. When you understand that it's your job to get your needs met. And you can figure out how to get it met in different ways and you can, you can also invite other people to contribute.

[00:46:25] JJ Flizanes: You just can't depend on them. You can't demand that they do it. So when you get start to get your own needs met, this is where people start to go, oh, in fact, this is where your nervous system calms down because now you don't, you get and understand that you can get your needs met and you don't have to worry about everybody else and what they're doing.

[00:46:41] JJ Flizanes: Yeah, 

[00:46:41] Carrie Lupoli: it's so that's really that. I mean, literally that's what you are an empowerment strategist and this is a strategy. To become more empowered, 

[00:46:49] JJ Flizanes: right, and to feel better and have your nervous system be calmer and not be in fight or flight and not be sabotaging yourself. Right? Alright. 

[00:46:55] Carrie Lupoli: So wild. Okay. I love these three questions.

[00:46:58] Carrie Lupoli: I love this [00:47:00] worksheet. I can't wait for you, you all listening to download this and make a zillion copies because the feelings come up, the triggers come up all the time and, and I think it's just like so in incredible. To have a tool like this because we blame other people for our triggers all, all the time.

[00:47:16] Carrie Lupoli: All the time. He triggered me, she triggered me, the traffic triggered me, and I'm like, that's actually us. 

[00:47:23] JJ Flizanes: Right? And even if they did start, they, they're the mirror. The the trigger lives inside the wound lives inside of you. They're just the mirror. It's not about, it's not about them. It's never about anybody else but you.

[00:47:33] JJ Flizanes: Yeah. So here's the exercise I want everyone to do because this is huge for women. I want you to download these, the sheet again, print it out at least one. And then I want you to, with no context, with no triggering with being calm and in your body how you are normally, I want you to go through this list of needs and circle every need that is currently not being met.

[00:47:53] JJ Flizanes: In your life that you would like to get met. Now if you don't care about something, like, so for instance, it's [00:48:00] funny, I keep saying this, beauty, beauty is not that important to me. Um, for whatever reason, I mean, I mean, I like beauty, I like things that are pretty, but like, that's never something that I'm like, it has to be beautiful.

[00:48:08] JJ Flizanes: Like I'm not that person. So if beauty is not important to you. And you're not getting it met. Don't circle it 'cause you don't care. But any other need on here that you want to have met that's not getting met, circle it. It gives you a place to start when you can understand and see how many of your needs are not getting met.

[00:48:23] JJ Flizanes: You can understand why you're anxious. You can understand why you're victimized. You can understand why you're begging for attention and trying to get people to help you get your needs met subconsciously because you don't know how to identify and get them met yourself. 

[00:48:34] Carrie Lupoli: Oh, this is so good. This is a tool.

[00:48:38] Carrie Lupoli: This is where, I mean, you got a zillion of them and I love that you just decided to pull this one out 'cause it's so attainable for so many people. Jj, this is amazing. I can't wait for people to do this. Tell us a little bit more about this book and what we're gonna get out of it and when we can get it.

[00:48:55] Carrie Lupoli: Ah, 

[00:48:56] JJ Flizanes: yeah. Um, well, it's, I, I don't, as 

[00:48:59] Carrie Lupoli: an author [00:49:00] publishing two books this year. I love that laugh. It's like, ah, oh gosh. 

[00:49:04] JJ Flizanes: Well, it'll be my fourth book or fifth anyway. Uh, because, but it's been, it's the most, most important book. The first book was Fit to Love, how to get physically, emotionally, and spiritually fit to attract Love of Your Life.

[00:49:15] JJ Flizanes: That was like my self-care routine attracted my. The Loving for Life is you, by the way. But love you. Love to love you that. But yes, I attracted my ex-husband quickly and then I used Law of Attraction attract Doug even faster than I attracted my ex-husband. So it works. But that book was like my first, here's who I am in the world.

[00:49:33] JJ Flizanes: And then I wrote the Invisible Fitness Formula because I was retiring for personal training and I wanted to do like the five secrets to release weight and body shame. I thought, let me like put that out as an ode to 25 years as a personal trainer. And all that good stuff. This book is where I kind of come outta the closet as a empowerment strategist and a really a healer in ways and someone who has designed and developed the core wound map experience and, and I'm not a [00:50:00] therapist, so I'm gonna step out into a world that they're gonna say I'm unqualified for.

[00:50:03] JJ Flizanes: And, but I've used this. It works, it works on me, it's worked on my clients. It's changed so many lives and it, it's gonna have core wound map in the, in the subtitle probably, but I don't even have a title for it because it's so like juicy and it's a, I can produce a book. A month just, but you and I write, like I could literally write a book.

[00:50:20] JJ Flizanes: I'm not joking. I could have content comes outta my pores. I could write a book a month because I'm not passionate about learning and educating and finding a new way to teach something or to tell a story that helps people to understand it differently. But I have spent eight years developing this map and like so deeply, it's so like in my heart that I've never taken this much time ever to produce anything.

[00:50:42] JJ Flizanes: So I'm really like. I, I 

[00:50:44] Carrie Lupoli: mean, it's gonna be amazing. 

[00:50:46] JJ Flizanes: Yeah. So, 

[00:50:46] Carrie Lupoli: so we'll like, we'll make sure people know where to follow you so that all the updates happen. So tell us where people can follow you as well as about your podcast, because that's another great source of content from you. 

[00:50:58] JJ Flizanes: Uh, I have a [00:51:00] network.

[00:51:00] JJ Flizanes: It's called the Empowering Minds Network, and, uh, it has currently 16 shows, soon to have 23, 24. And, uh, and many of 'em are mine, but not all of 'em are mine, um, at least right now. Um, and where 

[00:51:12] Carrie Lupoli: can we find that? 

[00:51:13] JJ Flizanes: So, empowering minds network.com, but you can go to jj zas.com. Everything is there, so you can, you can choose.

[00:51:19] JJ Flizanes: I I have a. Six different podcasts weekly that run, and my flagship show is called Spirit, purpose and Energy. I do have a show called Nutrition and Alternative Medicine, but honestly, they have the same content. Uh, so if you're just tuning in, they're gonna have the same episode on them. So I would recommend going to Spirit Purpose and Energy, or Nutritional Alternative Medicine that's fine or fit to love anyway.

[00:51:40] JJ Flizanes: There's like five brands. Go to j zas.com. I love Instagram. I I love Facebook. I do TikTok as a side thing. It's not really my thing. Um, but really my podcast is where I put all my love and attention. So I'd love anyone to that check out the podcast if you download this sheet and uh, yeah, I'd love to. If you have any questions, I'm happy to [00:52:00] also direct people.

[00:52:00] JJ Flizanes: I wanna give you two sh one show 'cause I know that the episode number to understand this concept of emotional healing to like to another level, I created a course called the Roadmap to Emotional Healing. It's included in the rewire course, but it's also a la carte. If you go to episode 3, 3, 7, it's called the Roadmap to Emotional Healing.

[00:52:18] JJ Flizanes: And it gives an understanding of why. Just like with the advice, I'm sure you give people, they're sort of like, you're gonna teach people concepts, but then you're also gonna personalize it based on who they are, based on their psychology, based on their goals, based on their upbringing, based on their whatever.

[00:52:32] JJ Flizanes: And to me, any kind of emotional healing needs to be. Personalized. It has to be, it's not one size fits all. It's why therapy fails many people is because they wonder why they're talking for 20 years about the same thing that happened when they were 10. You know, be clear that I don't, while I take people back to the rewire exercise, to the core wound exercise, we don't live there.

[00:52:53] JJ Flizanes: We don't live there. We live in president. We move forward and we create what our future's gonna look like. We don't stay stuck in talking [00:53:00] about all the bad things. And feeling all the bad things forever and ever. It's like a short period of time to get the map and then we move forward. 

[00:53:07] Carrie Lupoli: So that episode that you just mentioned walks through that.

[00:53:10] JJ Flizanes: Yeah, just the concept of understanding, you know, if you're in therapy or you've done some coaching with someone or you know, and you may be, to me, healing. So one of my quotes is healing is when you are different in the same situation. 

[00:53:24] Carrie Lupoli: Yeah. I love that. That should be on a t-shirt. 

[00:53:28] JJ Flizanes: Thank you. Most of us.

[00:53:30] JJ Flizanes: Maybe I'll make that the book title. Um, most of us are literally, you know, how we cope with things is we get rid of it, we move, we get divorced, we quit our job, we stop talking to these friends. We don't deal with a situation that is not healing, that is running. Okay. That's avoiding, that's withdrawing.

[00:53:45] JJ Flizanes: That's escaping. That is not healing. Healing is when you are different in the same exact situation. 

[00:53:49] Carrie Lupoli: Yeah. So good. So good. Jj, this is amazing. I can't wait for people to download this guide to start to tap into it, to reach out to [00:54:00] you to be able to connect. I mean, this is so great. So you just take like a whole nother level.

[00:54:06] Carrie Lupoli: Um, and perspective on the concepts of our belief systems could, and this is why our conversations could go on forever. So you are amazing. Thank you so much. We will put all of these links in the show notes. So jj, you gotta make sure you send 'em all to me and we will make sure that you have it all.

[00:54:25] Carrie Lupoli: Wherever you are in your journey, remember there is always a place for you to start and tuning in to people like jj, the diet Disruptors. Podcast, make sure you like this one so that more people can see it, and we'll meet you right where you are. Thanks.