What Every Mom Needs to Know About Raising Confident, Self-Aware Daughters - 238
Start empowering your children as early as now to grow up confident about their body, food, and self-worth.
Download this guide to get started: https://www.carrielupoli.com/kids
Have you ever wished you could go back in time and have a heart-to-heart conversation with your daughter and explain how much you’ve always believed in her? In this emotional episode, I sit down with my 20-year-old daughter, Grace, for a raw, real conversation about growing up, confidence, and the journey to self-acceptance.
Grace reflects on the pressures of body image, comparison, and how she’s navigated her own struggles over the years. From the six-year-old who unknowingly had discussions about calories, to the 16-year-old who bought herself a tiara as a symbol of self-worth, Grace shares how she has learned to build self-awareness and confidence outside of societal expectations.
This conversation isn’t just for moms of young daughters. It’s for anyone who wants to break free from the cycle of insecurity and perfectionism. Our reflections are a reminder that true confidence stems from knowing who you are, not what you look like.
Conclusion:
Self-awareness is the key to breaking free from the pressures we face about our body image and identity, and it begins with open, honest conversations. Grace and I have worked hard to build a strong, trusting relationship, and watching her embrace her uniqueness has been one of my proudest moments.
As mothers, we’re not just raising daughters. We’re shaping the next generation of women, so let’s model self-love, resilience, and confidence for them.
In This Episode:
00:00 Introduction
04:08 Meet my daughter, Grace Lupoli
06:20 Grace's early experiences and journey to self-discovery
12:08 Our conversations about body image and health
16:33 How Grace defines health and beauty now
17:56 Teachable moments from TV shows
21:42 Advice for moms raising daughters
25:07 Parenting stages and self-awareness at each stage
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Transcript:
[00:00:00] Carrie Lupoli: I was following maybe an incorrect or maybe not the best path for me. So I was on a struggle bus for a really long time as I was raising you, sometimes it really came out
[00:00:10] Grace Lupoli: at home. Like I couldn't stand being around my family sometimes, and I, it takes a second to adjust. From, this is my mother, but this is also like my friend.
[00:00:21] Carrie Lupoli: What do you think a girl needs from her mom?
[00:00:23] Grace Lupoli: Yeah, I think
[00:00:23] Carrie Lupoli: You think they're not listening. You think they're just being teenagers, rolling their eyes while scrolling their phones, but what if I told you they're soaking in everything? Not your words, but your relationship with your body, with food, your worth.
[00:00:41] Carrie Lupoli: In this episode, I sit down with the one person who's been watching me the closest. My daughter, Grace, and she's not holding back. We talk about beauty, pressure, confidence, comparison, and the tiara moment that changed everything. It's raw, it's real, it's [00:01:00] us, and it might just change the way you see yourself and how your daughter sees yourself too.
[00:01:06] Carrie Lupoli: I am Carrie Lupoli, nutritionist, award-winning behavior specialist and unapologetic disruptor of diet culture. If you've spent decades dieting and still don't have the results you want, it's not your fault. You've just never been shown how to fuel your body with love and science. This podcast is where all that changes and we rewrite the rules where food becomes simple.
[00:01:30] Carrie Lupoli: Freedom is possible and real lasting results. Finally begin. Let's dive in. Well, today's episode is really emotional for me. I have my daughter, Grace, with us. Grace is my 20-year-old daughter, who, at six years old, even though she doesn't even remember. Started talking about calories and food and it was my wake-up call right then and there, where I knew I needed to do something different because even though I thought I [00:02:00] wasn't talking about calories and dieting and my body to her, I realized that because it was all part of who I was.
[00:02:10] Carrie Lupoli: What I believed somehow my beliefs trickled into their conversations. Not was just with Grace, but with my other daughter, Ellie, who's a year younger than Grace. And so one of the most amazing things as a mom is to watch your kids grow up. And while there are lots of things I regret about how I did things as a mom, I look at.
[00:02:33] Carrie Lupoli: My daughter Grace and my daughter Ellie, with so much pride because I realized I didn't screw 'em up that much. I, I am so proud of the women that they are, and I think back to that day when they were five and six years old, and my youngest asked my daughter, Grace, why didn't eat the pizza during Family Friday, pizza night?
[00:02:53] Carrie Lupoli: And Grace told her sister because it had too many calories. And while she doesn't even remember that situation, [00:03:00] I knew that I was instilling certain values that had to be corrected. I didn't know how to correct them, but I went on a mission as a mom who would do anything for her kids, just like all the other moms out there I knew I had to change my family tree.
[00:03:14] Carrie Lupoli: I had an eating disorder. When that really exposed itself when I was in college, and I know I learned that from the beliefs that I was given as I was raised, and I was determined not to continue that cycle. And so at 20 years old now, my daughter Grace has gone through a lot. We've experienced a lot together and I'm really excited about this episode where we get to.
[00:03:36] Carrie Lupoli: Dig in a conversation. We're at our home. Uh, Grace is is back from college right now and I asked her if she would be so kind as to sit with us and actually just have a conversation with me. And to be very honest with you, I've never actually sat down and had this type of direct conversation with her before.
[00:03:55] Carrie Lupoli: And so I'm really excited about what this will unveil and reveal. [00:04:00] Bell maybe. Uh, some of the things I didn't do very well, but hopefully some of the things that I did pretty well that other moms can learn from, especially during the series of raising daughters and taking the lessons that I've learned, the work that I've done with thousands of women all over the world on raising kids and thinking about our own beliefs as we do that.
[00:04:21] Carrie Lupoli: So Grace, welcome to the podcast.
[00:04:23] Grace Lupoli: Thanks. I'm really excited. I think this was so cool that we can just do this whole, I mean, this is very professional, really excited. I know. I'm super excited too.
[00:04:33] Carrie Lupoli: I feel like we just need coffee. I know. I mean, ugh, I, it's okay. It's good. So Grace, just like introduce yourself a little bit because you.
[00:04:41] Carrie Lupoli: Just such an amazing young woman, and I feel like your story is a really important one to share because you've been through, you've been through some stuff.
[00:04:50] Grace Lupoli: Yeah. Well, my name is Grace. Yes. Hello. Um, I'm 20 years old. I am an incoming sophomore in my theater Arts conservatory. [00:05:00] And yeah, so I've, I've been through a few, I mean, a few things in the past couple years.
[00:05:05] Grace Lupoli: I think it's all, all in growing up and things like that, but you know, I'm sure. Some people out there know. But I went to a different college my first year for half of the year, and then I ran into a bunch of unfortunate issues and realization, maybe fortunate, more fortunate realizations and epiphanies when realizing that I was following maybe an incorrect or maybe not the best path for me.
[00:05:31] Grace Lupoli: So I got to take a step back and with help from my mom and my family, we were able to, um. Set me back on, on course. And now I feel like I'm on a pretty, a pretty secure, well, I feel good about the path that I'm on right now in this like day in my life. I feel pretty, pretty solid. So I wonder if you
[00:05:50] Carrie Lupoli: could finish this sentence, 'cause I say this all the time, but I feel like, I don't know if you, you've, we've ever said it to me.
[00:05:56] Carrie Lupoli: Yeah. Uh, confidence does not come from meeting a [00:06:00] goal. Confidence comes from knowing what? Can you answer that? Can you finish that sentence?
[00:06:06] Grace Lupoli: I, I think knowing yourself. Mm-hmm. I think that's the, at least for me, if I were to finish that for myself right now, I mean, I definitely haven't met, and not that I haven't met any of my goals.
[00:06:15] Grace Lupoli: Like yeah, I set small goals for myself that I definitely have met. I feel like I even have exceeded, but there's so much more that I need to do and need to work towards. Mm-hmm. That. I can't just say that like happiness or success comes from meeting a goal. Yeah. Or like confidence comes from meeting a goal because I feel now more confident than I have.
[00:06:35] Grace Lupoli: Mm-hmm.
[00:06:36] Carrie Lupoli: Even though you haven't met all your goals
[00:06:37] Grace Lupoli: ever. Even though I haven't, definitely haven't met any of, any of my big goals. Like I'm,
[00:06:42] Carrie Lupoli: but you know what you're doing is right. Yeah. And you know who you are. And I think that that is a huge, I mean, that's what every mom wants for their daughter. Yeah.
[00:06:50] Carrie Lupoli: But I also know the little girl who. Wow. She didn't realize she was talking about calories at such a young age, had a lot of insecurities, and the [00:07:00] girl that was six to that girl that was 16, who ended up buying herself a tiara. Mm-hmm. I tell that story all the time. I know. And it was such a shocking moment for me.
[00:07:09] Carrie Lupoli: And I, and I don't think as you grew up, I, I really worked hard because I was working on myself, which you probably didn't even realize. I mean, even today, like I'm telling you things about. My story. Yeah. And things that happened to me that you didn't know, but as you grew up, I was really looking at. The level of confidence that you really didn't have mm-hmm.
[00:07:34] Carrie Lupoli: For a very long time. And I, and I tried to plant seeds throughout those 10 years. And I guess for me as a mom that day when you turned, when you were 16 years old and you order herself a ti a tiara on Amazon. Mm-hmm. It was such a full circle moment for me because I realized she's actually gonna be okay.
[00:07:52] Carrie Lupoli: Like I, I didn't totally screw her up. Right. Like, talk about that moment when you decided you were gonna buy yourself ati. 'cause I remember you said to me. [00:08:00] Because I, I deserve it. Like I just, I am worthy of a tiara. Mm-hmm. Like you said, it so matter of factly to me that I don't even realize you, that if you knew the power of what you were actually doing.
[00:08:13] Grace Lupoli: Yeah. I. It's so funny because I, I think of that and I think that time in my life I was, I think it was during COVID or maybe like after the big, yeah, it was probably year after surge of COVID, probably like maybe my sophomore and junior year of high school. And I was still in this, like I talk about it to my friends at school now.
[00:08:30] Grace Lupoli: I mean, I didn't really talk. At all until I was like maybe a junior in high school, maybe a senior in high school. Like I was really, really, really shy and I think I was still in that moment of like, I don't feel the way that like I want to feel like my whole life. I just thought that I really wanted to do something.
[00:08:48] Grace Lupoli: Good. Or like be something special and be something like more than the norm. Mm-hmm. And I don't know if that comes from me just being an inherently more like creative person, type B person, [00:09:00] whatever you wanna think of it as. But I just, I read books about princesses and like, I loved princesses and I just wanted, I just wanted, I don't know, I, I never, I just felt like you were like, why can't I be one?
[00:09:12] Grace Lupoli: Literally was like, I can be one. I mean, what I was just saying before we started this was like, I didn't. Realize I was doing anything like inspirational or crazy. Yeah. I was just like, I just want to wear a tr like I've never done it before. Mm-hmm. I want, I wanna, like, I remember I used to text my cousin and be like, okay, this is our plan on how you're going to become royalty, and then I'm gonna be like your maid of honor and then I'm gonna be a princess because of that.
[00:09:39] Grace Lupoli: So like, I just wanted to be a princess really bad, so badly. Yeah. I
[00:09:42] Carrie Lupoli: love
[00:09:42] Grace Lupoli: that.
[00:09:43] Carrie Lupoli: So, uh, when I think about some of the things that you would, um, we would talk about and, and you were just saying you want it to be someone, someone special. Mm-hmm. I, I think one thing that we did, and, and people ask me all the time like, what are the things that you did with your daughter to help give her [00:10:00] that level of confidence that your value is not in what you weigh?
[00:10:04] Carrie Lupoli: Like you don't, we don't have a scale in our house. Do, do you know what you weigh?
[00:10:08] Grace Lupoli: Well, I mean, I have to kind of guess. I mean, I, I, I do know what I weigh. I just think it's interesting because there's so much, I think, healthy ness going on in our house now, especially like seeing what you teach other people.
[00:10:21] Grace Lupoli: Like, it's so amazing and it's so inspirational for me to see, just like as a girl, I mean, not even just as your daughter, but just like as a, a growing woman, you know, I, it's really. Powerful to see that. I do think about it. I mean, I don't think about it all the time really as much as maybe I used to, but like it is something that is there.
[00:10:38] Grace Lupoli: And I do know how much I weighed because I had a lot, I faced a lot of issues with that my fir first year of college, like that was a part of a part of my, you know, struggles and. So I think I became a little bit more hyper aware of it, and obviously like as a girl, as a woman, that's going to happen. I think I've come to terms with that a [00:11:00] lot.
[00:11:00] Grace Lupoli: Like, I don't know. Anybody in my life that's a girl that doesn't have these I know problems.
[00:11:06] Carrie Lupoli: And this is what's so interesting. So a couple of things. One, one of the things that we unpacked at a pretty early age was your Enneagram number. Yeah. And, uh, if people don't know about the Enneagram, it really is a powerful tool to be able to understand your personality, your triggers, why you do what you do.
[00:11:21] Carrie Lupoli: Knowing that, uh, I won't get that far into it, but you can look it up at fairly powerful. Um, you can follow Enneagram Ashton. I love her. And, uh. Really understanding why you do what you do and no number is worse or better than another, but it really helped our family, I think, especially for me to understand you and where you were coming from.
[00:11:40] Carrie Lupoli: But I remember when we discovered your Enneagram number, you were like, so there's nothing wrong
[00:11:44] Grace Lupoli: with me. Do
[00:11:45] Carrie Lupoli: you remember that? No, I do remember
[00:11:46] Grace Lupoli: that, but that's just me Also being
[00:11:48] Carrie Lupoli: dramatic. A four
[00:11:51] Grace Lupoli: a Enneagram. There's nothing wrong. No. Like obviously there's not, but I think, I think being in a family where I'm kind of the only one that's like into [00:12:00] this creative world.
[00:12:01] Grace Lupoli: I mean my, both of my parents are not. Musicians or artists. My sister is, wants to be a lawyer. Right. Like I, I'm the only one in this in my house. Mm-hmm. That is kind of like that. And I think maybe because of that I was like. I'm clearly different from the rest of my family.
[00:12:18] Carrie Lupoli: Yeah. Right, right, right. What is that?
[00:12:19] Carrie Lupoli: But knowing that number I think is the first step. And that was the first step in like self-awareness. Yeah. And I think self-awareness is a big key that I have been focused on with you for a very, very, very long time. And when I think back on like where you are now, I really know and believe you have a healthier relationship with food in your body For sure than I ever did.
[00:12:37] Carrie Lupoli: Yeah. Um, you come to me. You asked me questions like, uh, can you think of any of the things that you've come to me to talk to me about when it comes to your body? Oh,
[00:12:46] Grace Lupoli: yeah. I, I do it a lot because obviously as a 20-year-old person, like I get insecure all the time. Mm-hmm. So, and I think having a nutritionist mom is like, you can tell me if I'm being delusional.
[00:12:59] Grace Lupoli: You know? So like, I don't [00:13:00] know. Spent, we spent a lot of time on the beach in Singapore and like a lot of time, or in Thailand and mm-hmm. We like were in bathing suits and stuff. And I was like, I wonder if you've noticed, I, I wonder if my mom has noticed that like, like maybe my last two years at school, like if I have, my body has changed because I feel like sometimes I look in the mirror and I, and I feel like it has, and I'm like, whoa, like this.
[00:13:21] Grace Lupoli: Mm-hmm. Where did this come from? Like, I don't, or maybe I don't like what I'm looking at or things like that. And so I ask you, I'm like, is. Do you notice anything different about the way that I look like, like. I have, you know, like, and in a way you're like, no, I have, I think this is just your body and that is okay.
[00:13:38] Grace Lupoli: Yeah. And then the other things that I try to
[00:13:39] Carrie Lupoli: do when we talk about your body, and I think a lot of moms don't really know how to broach the subject on this. Mm-hmm. When we talk about what I like, I talk about the six spinning plates and just. Being the healthiest version of yourself and are you showing up to be healthy?
[00:13:52] Carrie Lupoli: Are you? Because healthy does not necessarily mean skinny. Yeah. Healthy actually means that you have a good relationship with yourself. That you're not afraid [00:14:00] of food. Yeah. That you understand food, that you understand the power of movement and strength. I used to always say that, well, we don't know the number on the scale, but we need to know how the number that we're lifting in the gym.
[00:14:11] Carrie Lupoli: Mm-hmm. And dad and I try to model. As much as we can around that and a balance, and that I usually ask you around what do you want? Why do you want it? What is important to you? Why is the what you look like weighing on you? Yeah. Um, and what does healthy mean to you? Yeah. What does it mean to be healthy?
[00:14:32] Carrie Lupoli: And so I think some of those conversations that we have force you to think. A little deeper than just like, what does my body look like?
[00:14:41] Grace Lupoli: Yeah, definitely. When you ask me those questions, I, I wonder if anyone can answer that. Right? Like, if anyone can be like, okay, why, when I look in the mirror, like, why am I so concerned if my stomach is flat or off?
[00:14:52] Grace Lupoli: Mm-hmm. Like, why do I care so much? Mm-hmm. I think something that happens to me a lot, like, because I, I have this like [00:15:00] influence from you and also like it sucks to feel dysphoric about your body and to feel like, okay, like I remember being a young girl and being like, I just wish I could gain weight because I'm way too tiny.
[00:15:10] Grace Lupoli: Like, everyone sees me and they think I'm three years younger than I actually am and you know, like all of this stuff. And then like I grow up and I get older and now I'm like, well now I wish I was tinier. And I'm like, it doesn't matter. You know, every single body is different, every single. Body grows differently.
[00:15:24] Grace Lupoli: And I think to think about it in the way that's like, okay, right now I look this way because I just did this or because I literally just woke up or whatever. Whatever it is. Or it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. And I think I also have a video saves in my, um, TikTok that's like that like little like thing at the bottom of your stomach.
[00:15:45] Grace Lupoli: That little like thing that's not as flat. Yeah, that's. Those are your organs. Right. So don't freak out. You know what I mean? Yeah. Like it's fine. That's
[00:15:52] Carrie Lupoli: actually one of the things I do like about social media and you and I will share different reels and stuff like that around this kind of topic because I know that there's [00:16:00] some good stuff out there.
[00:16:00] Carrie Lupoli: Mm-hmm. Right? Um, but I also know that you being in college and being in an arts program Yeah. Where there's dancing and everybody is really like judging kind of. The way you look. Yeah, right. Um, that's where even more conversations have to have happen. And I think, uh, for moms out there, it isn't gonna be one conversation.
[00:16:19] Carrie Lupoli: It's not gonna be one thing, one magical thing you say. And I think that for moms, I was on the struggle bus for a really long time as I was raising you, and I really tried to be honest with you. I'm guessing there's a lot of things you don't even remember. Yeah. About what we've talked about, but I, I knew that things were like going in the right direction when you would come to me When you had struggles or questions.
[00:16:40] Carrie Lupoli: Yeah. So it wasn't about you not having any struggles, it was about you coming to me because you felt like you trusted me enough to be able to help answer the question. Right. And it wasn't even as much as me answering them, because we talk about food, we talk about nutrition, we talk about what does it mean to be healthy?
[00:16:55] Carrie Lupoli: But then I, I try to ask you questions that get you thinking.
[00:16:59] Grace Lupoli: Yeah.
[00:16:59] Carrie Lupoli: [00:17:00] And, and I think that those are really important pieces of it. Definitely. So how do you define health and beauty now?
[00:17:05] Grace Lupoli: That's a good question. Oh, I don't really think of it in like a. A very specific way. You know, I think there are methods and it goes in and out of like, I feel pretty right now, or I feel like healthy right now.
[00:17:18] Grace Lupoli: I, I think it's different and it comes and goes and there are definitely times where I feel like the definition of being healthy and. Beautiful is like whatever I want it to be and like I feel this way, I feel good in my own body and whatever. Like that comes and goes a lot I think for everybody. But
[00:17:34] Carrie Lupoli: You said before like you know who you are.
[00:17:36] Carrie Lupoli: Yeah,
[00:17:36] Grace Lupoli: I know who I am, so it, it doesn't bother me as much as it as it used to. I don't think that is a stretch to say at all. Like I do think. Being confident in just like who I am as a person and feeling like more than what I look like, I know what my morals are. Mm-hmm. I know who my friends are, I know what I will put up with and what I won't put up with.
[00:17:55] Grace Lupoli: Yeah. In terms of things like that. And this
[00:17:58] Carrie Lupoli: was a huge [00:18:00] work in progress, right? By many, many years. Oh,
[00:18:02] Grace Lupoli: Yeah. And it's, I mean, it definitely still is because then when I'm put in front of hard situations like that, like who knows if, like I, I never want to like bend my morals or bend my expectations and things like that, but.
[00:18:14] Grace Lupoli: When times come, you know, like things change. Yeah. But like more for me, focusing on like how I am as a person and what I do in the world and how I move in the world and how I help other people. Yeah. And how I treat other people is becoming more important to me.
[00:18:26] Carrie Lupoli: Well, we also like to watch certain shows together.
[00:18:28] Carrie Lupoli: Yeah. And so we just finished watching Building the band. Building the band. Everyone go watch. It is so good guys. So good. Good. But it was so interesting 'cause I, I love having these. This, these are where the teachable moments for me as a mom, I think, come in where we can watch certain things and talk about certain things.
[00:18:44] Carrie Lupoli: So I can watch you and how you are interpreting things, and then I can decide if I wanna respond or not. Because I always say the loudest voice wins, but I also know that I cannot be over your head a certain concept. Mm-hmm. Because you, you're just gonna shut down. Right. But like, building the band, there was, [00:19:00] there was like one person in particular who was by the social standards beautiful, right?
[00:19:06] Carrie Lupoli: Like she was like that. Very thin blonde like, and whatever looks, and when we first were watching it, it was like, oh, you know, like you, you have sort of a reaction to a person that looks a certain way, right. And as you got to know her, and she was just a very difficult, toxic kind of a personality. She made other people feel worse about themselves.
[00:19:25] Carrie Lupoli: By the time she was like voted off, you were like, you didn't even wanna. Almost wanna look at her. No. Right. And it's terrible to say because I don't wanna, but it, like the way somebody comes across really has everything to do with their out their inside, not their outside. And then we saw other people that either by societal standards, um, or by initial first glance, you wouldn't necessarily categorize them as the most fit, the most beautiful, uh, by the world standard.
[00:19:51] Carrie Lupoli: Right. But by the end of the show, you were like. I want that person to be my best
[00:19:55] Grace Lupoli: friend. And I think it's so interesting too because there's, there was one band that they [00:20:00] built in this show that the judges kept telling them, they were just so unconventional. Or like they said, I think four people waiting at the bus stop.
[00:20:08] Carrie Lupoli: Yeah. Like, you look like you should not be together. You look
[00:20:10] Grace Lupoli: like you shouldn't be together. And I remember I told you, I was like, I don't know why they keep saying that because to me. They look so great together and they are a beautiful band, and they're not, maybe they don't all meet like every single like beauty standard.
[00:20:25] Grace Lupoli: Yeah, but like, because you don't meet a beauty standard in one country or in one state or in one town. It doesn't mean you're not beautiful like those people. I, I, when I first saw them, I thought all of them and the way they worked
[00:20:37] Carrie Lupoli: together was another way that, how emotional they were and it fit their feelings.
[00:20:40] Carrie Lupoli: And I think that's like where we actually have to redefine what beautiful means. And these are conversations that I think we've had for many years just. Organically. It's not like I knew exactly how was I going to keep my daughter from having an eating disorder. Mm-hmm. How was I gonna keep my daughter from obsessing about weight and her body the way I did?
[00:20:57] Carrie Lupoli: How, and I was, I was thin when [00:21:00] I was in college. I was an athlete. The size of your body does not matter when it comes to body dysphoria. Yeah. It literally does not matter. And a lot of times I will see moms, when I talk to them on the phone about being a client of mine in my private practice, they'll, I'll ask about their daughters and they're like, oh, my daughter's doing fine.
[00:21:15] Carrie Lupoli: She like works out. She's really. Thin she doesn't have a weight problem. Right. And I'm like, hold up. If you
[00:21:22] Grace Lupoli: think that your child doesn't, they probably do. I mean, because you haven't been having the conversations, it's obviously about having the conversations, but I mean, what were you thinking about when you were 20 years old?
[00:21:33] Grace Lupoli: Yeah, like it's not, but I know that I wasn't being given the conversations. Right. That's true. You know? It's true. And yeah, especially if they're not getting conversations, I think. Even me as a person who does get conversations, I still struggle, of course, all the time because I'm a young person. And that is literally even
[00:21:48] Carrie Lupoli: have some of your friends come to, yeah.
[00:21:50] Carrie Lupoli: To us, to talk to us about things. Right. Um, and I say this, like I said all the time, the loudest voice wins. Yeah. When I was on the Today Show, uh, Jenna Bush Hager, who interviewed me, [00:22:00] said that her mom never wanted talk about weight. She like purposely never talked about it. And when she was eight years old, she wrote in her journal, I need to lose six pounds.
[00:22:07] Carrie Lupoli: And so I feel like this has to be something we talk about. Yeah. We won't get it. Right. But what advice do you think you could give to moms who are raising daughters?
[00:22:16] Grace Lupoli: Mm-hmm.
[00:22:17] Carrie Lupoli: Um, regardless of what age they are, because we could have moms that are raising still, like, you know, obviously have daughters in their thirties, uh, they have grandchildren, but also in that age range, when I realized it was a problem, you were six.
[00:22:29] Carrie Lupoli: Mm-hmm. Up until now. So last 14 years, as you think about how you have evolved. Mm-hmm. I mean, to be 20 and to have the confidence that you have, even though obviously you. Have your own things that you're working through, what advice could you give to moms to be able to help daughters get to a place of confidence like you're at?
[00:22:52] Grace Lupoli: That's a really good question. I think it's hard, I, it's hard for me to give a straight answer on that because I'm not a mother, right? And I, I don't know. So [00:23:00] let's do it this way. What do you think a girl
[00:23:01] Carrie Lupoli: needs from her
[00:23:02] Grace Lupoli: Mom? Yeah. Well, I think a girl would need somebody to relate to. I think having somebody, I mean, for me, like if I think about it like.
[00:23:13] Grace Lupoli: If I didn't have you and the way that you are now, or maybe the way that you were before you started going on this whole journey with your business and everything that you're doing now and everything that you're teaching. I had my older cousin. Yeah. And my older cousin, four years older than me, but still like a girl, and I think, so a disconnect, at least in my brain, and I don't know if this is the same for everyone else, but a disconnect was like my mom is my mom.
[00:23:41] Grace Lupoli: But at the end of the day, my mom is also just a girl. Mm-hmm. Like, you know what I mean? She's also a girl and she also lived everything that I'm living. And I think it's really easy to forget about that. Mm-hmm. And I think as a mother, being able to relate as like, or just like see and hear what you're [00:24:00] saying.
[00:24:01] Grace Lupoli: Just reminding them that like, no, I'm a girl too. Like, I experienced this too. And to not be like, oh, why, why would you say that? Like, you're so, you're so beautiful. You're so thin. Like don't say, you know, like, blow it off. Don't blow it off because
[00:24:14] Carrie Lupoli: they're not blowing it off. Like, you know what I mean? Yeah, that's a good point.
[00:24:17] Carrie Lupoli: Because I would say to things like, I would explain to you some of the thing ways that I felt right when I was in there and, and also I remember I said to you, even if you don't wanna talk to me about it, ask up. Ask
[00:24:29] Grace Lupoli: up. Asking up is, it's important. It's really important because what does that, what did we mean by that?
[00:24:33] Grace Lupoli: Asking up? It's like, don't ask your, the other people your age because other people your age, they say they're dumb. They're dumb because they haven't
[00:24:39] Carrie Lupoli: experienced, I mean, they haven't experienced, I was like, your friends are dumb. Your friends are dumb. I mean, I love all you, all you girls. I love. When you were like this with each other, you gave each other dumb advice
[00:24:48] Grace Lupoli: because neither nobody had the experience.
[00:24:51] Grace Lupoli: From what I've learned so far, the only way that you can speak on other experiences and help other people is if you've experienced it in some sort of [00:25:00] way or if you're close to an experience. So
[00:25:01] Carrie Lupoli: I do think that asking up philosophy also got you to listen to me sometimes more because I was an up.
[00:25:08] Grace Lupoli: Right.
[00:25:08] Grace Lupoli: You know, I think now. Now, me now. And I think also, like I can say all of these things like relate to your daughters and whatever, but when you have a 14-year-old daughter, like it's not gonna be easy. It's not gonna happen like that. Like I, I think it's just, there is a disconnect and that's, I mean, depending on your relationship, obviously.
[00:25:24] Grace Lupoli: Yeah. And, but like now, me, now, like I feel like I can relate to you more. Mm-hmm. Because I'm becoming a woman myself and I can relate to
[00:25:35] Carrie Lupoli: other women. So that's a good point. Know like when you have a daughter that's 14. I'm gonna share some, some, some of the little insight that I got when I was becoming a parent.
[00:25:43] Carrie Lupoli: So I remember hearing that when from zero to two, your job is to keep them safe. Like literally, your job is to keep them alive. Mm-hmm. Right? Then from two to 12, your job is their teacher. And I would do, and that that was like a big chunk of my life where I wasn't healthy, I wasn't in a healthy space, and I was working on [00:26:00] that.
[00:26:00] Carrie Lupoli: So how do I teach something that I didn't know? Yeah, that was, that was hard for me. And I kind of clunk through it a lot, but then worked through my own things and tried to be thoughtful around that. And then from. 12 to 16, you are their model because they don't wanna talk to you. Right. And so I remember really being thoughtful around saying things like, oh, I shouldn't have that second piece of cake, or, oh, I'm cheating, or I'm being bad.
[00:26:30] Carrie Lupoli: You never would've heard me say that you would've when you were younger, but not as you got older. Because as I had gotten that advice from. The parenting coach that I had, because I worked really hard to try to do a variety of things to change my family tree around this mindset. That was one of the big things.
[00:26:48] Carrie Lupoli: Be really thoughtful about where my own words are coming from when it comes to how food controlled me. Yeah. And so those were big, even though I knew you weren't talking, like talking to me about things and I was always like, ask up. Ask [00:27:00] up. If you won't talk to me, I knew that what I modeled you would.
[00:27:03] Carrie Lupoli: Right. Catch on eventually. Yeah, definitely. And then from 17 to about 1920, you are their coach. And we saw that. In in, I mean, especially in your freshman year of college For sure. We had a lot going on and we had a lot of conversations and we worked through so many different things together. But then from 20 onwards, we become their mentor.
[00:27:27] Carrie Lupoli: Mm-hmm. And so being your mentor is like such a privilege because there's still teaching in mentorship, but you become your own person there. So I don't, I don't think it's ever too late. For a mom to be able to impart these values. Definitely not, but I do think you make a good point. If you're in that 14-year-old range, yeah, it's gonna be different.
[00:27:44] Carrie Lupoli: But that's where I think the, the rubber hits the road with someone like me, I gotta make sure that I'm really, truly doing and believing the things that I want my daughters to do and believe because we're modeling for them.
[00:27:57] Grace Lupoli: Definitely. I think so too. I think when I was [00:28:00] in middle school or when I was like younger high school or even just high school in general.
[00:28:03] Grace Lupoli: Yeah. I was so caught up with my own life and I think sometimes it really came out at home. Like I just, like couldn't stand being around my family sometimes. And I, and that comes with puberty and that comes with, you know, whatever crazy things happen and girls is, but I say they come back, they come. Yeah, I definitely, because I mean, at the end of the day, my mom is my friend and like that's how it should be.
[00:28:29] Grace Lupoli: I think it takes a second to adjust. From my mom is my mom, like this is my mother. But this is also like my friend. Yeah. You know, so,
[00:28:38] Carrie Lupoli: and I always believed in you, um, and I wanted you to believe in yourself, but we worked through a lot of things together. And I think the biggest takeaway is self-awareness.
[00:28:46] Carrie Lupoli: Yeah. Being self-aware. I had to be self-aware enough to know what I was doing and then try to teach you self-awareness mm-hmm. To be able to understand yourself. Yeah. And then when you can understand yourself and, and realize what a gift you are to the world, then all those other [00:29:00] things, the acceptance that you need from other people, start to, it can go
[00:29:03] Grace Lupoli: away.
[00:29:03] Grace Lupoli: Yeah, absolutely. I mean. Self-awareness, I think is probably the most important thing you can have. And I
[00:29:09] Carrie Lupoli: remember you used to say to me,
[00:29:09] Grace Lupoli: Mom, I'm very self-aware. I'm very self-aware. And I'm like, if you sing, you're self-aware, you're probably not. But the thing is it's, but it's also like there's a level too, right?
[00:29:18] Grace Lupoli: Like I can say that, like I know that I have a level of self-awareness that I. Do not see other people around me sometimes. Yes. And that's because of the conversations that I'm allowed to have with my mom and like the things that I see with my mom. I've had my friends tell me that I sound like my mom when I talk to them.
[00:29:34] Grace Lupoli: I'm like, you know what I mean? Like, I dunno, like there's just some, like a level of wisdom. That comes from it. And I, and I appreciate that from you. I love, love you. It helps me a lot. I love you too. Aw. So I think, I think that's really good. You're really good at podcasting. Thanks. You should start your own podcast maybe.
[00:29:50] Grace Lupoli: Oh, what? What do we call
[00:29:51] Carrie Lupoli: it? Great. Well workshop it. Grit, grace, and grit. Yeah, no, that's good. A little question. Well, if you are interested in following Grace and her [00:30:00] career as a musician, you can follow her on Instagram at Grace Oli. She is an inspiration. She is a person who, uh, found her passion, uh, ran with it, worked harder than anybody I know, and is now really, truly pursuing her dream as being, uh, a singer and a dancer and an actor.
[00:30:20] Carrie Lupoli: And I love that she just said, you know, I have to do what I, what I. Feel is right for me and, uh, I'm glad that we were able to support you in that. I love you. Love you. You're the best. Oh, good.
